Tag Archives: son


WOW – busy busy busy….Time has just flown by…I just cannot figure out where I lost track of it all. I will say..I have finished ALL my Christmas shopping…I have about 5 cards left to send out – but they might be late…they are all out of country.

Also – my son who is stationed in Kentucky canceled (at the last minute) his trip home. It just about broke my heart.  My hunnie is mad because this is typical of AJ – very impulsive and does these things on a constant basis…especially when it is NOT his money that is being wasted. I am just disappointed…I really thought he would come…but I was wrong. So it will be the three of us…and that is BEAUTIFUL… we have a HUGE turkey dinner planned with all kinds of good stuffies with it and gifts galore.

So just to add a bit more stress to my week…my daughter tells me that she needs the payment and pictures and letter for her dedication page for the yearbook by today…(this was two days ago). So I had to get a dozen prints sent off to walgreens (took 4 hours of picking and choosing) for overnight printing and had to get a money order for $275 for the full page dedication (she always wanted a full page) (with that money it better be outlined in gold – LOL) and I had to write a dedication letter to her about “whatever” I felt motivated to write.. So I thought I would share my letter here…let me know what you think:

Crystalyn Rose 
“I hope your dreams take you to the corners of your smiles, to the highest of your hopes, to the windows of your opportunities, and to the most special places your heart has ever known.”
We never knew so much LOVE & JOY could come from having a child.
Your sense of humor and spunk for life and creative thinking amazes us…and your compassion for others makes your heart bigger then most adults we know.
Our pride in you grows daily as does of course our LOVE..if that is at all possible.
You have strong convictions and will fight tooth and nail for your family and friends and those that you care about.
You have a massive soft spot for animals-which shows the depth of your kindness..and you speak your mind no matter what the circumstances or consequences. Showing that you stand strong in your faith and beliefs – that you are a leader and not a follower.
We are very proud to say you are our daughter..and although you are spreading those beautiful wings of yours and going out to claim your life…We wish for you the VERY best of all that life has to offer..
CONGRATULATIONS on your first step to life’s opportunities..
Smile always to show kindness to others
Laugh to enjoy the fullness of life
Love to always be filled with unending joy
Dream to strive for the best of everything…
Follow your Dreams – Believe in Yourself – Be You
We Wish You Enough….!!!
 She thought it was awesome – so that is all I care about. This morning she turned everything in so she is happy and that makes me happy!!! Now we still have to pick out invitations and memory goodies and measurements for caps and gowns. (this is ALL more money) I know I keep mentioning money but it just seems that companies take every opportunity to charge you unbelievable prices for some crazy stuff. She did FINALLY get her senior portraits back and her class picture (almost 900 students in one picture) they do a panoramic picture of the class – you do have to LOOK to see where your kid is…that was another 40 dollars.(just the class pic) Her portraits were $215.
We never got our lights on the house done…just too much for us right now. But I did manage to get a picture of the little tree by our front door….my camera’s battery was running low so the lights got swirled in the picture…but here it is:
I think it has a cool effect….so that is our Christmas tree…everyone who has seen it LOVES the idea and have claimed they are going to do that also…LOL. I think I have started a trend….LOL .
 For now I think I have updated all that has happened. I have really had a WONDERFUL holiday season so far…some BEAUTIFUL people who I have met through blog land have sent me things that made my heart cry – they have touched me so much…I have some surprises for them…(might be late) but I hope they love it nonetheless. I have continued every day to blog and create in my art blog (FINDING MYSELF)- which for me is BRAVE because it is putting myself out there for all to see and judge…and so far – KINDNESS AND LOVE is what I have been shown….I AM BLESSED.
If I am unable to blog here before Christmas – I wish you ALL a very BEAUTIFUL and BLESSED Christmas filled with JOYHAPPINESS – and LOVE!!!
Remember to HUG those you LOVE!!!


When You Lose Your Parents,
You Lose Your Past.
When You Lose Your Significant Other
You Lose Your Present.
But When You Lose Your Child,
You Lose Your Future.

That quote was given to me – by a visiting nurse…it holds so true!!!
I wanted to THANK you all for stopping by this week and reading about Joshua. This will be my last entry about him for the time being.

Nothing could ever prepare you to lose your child – I would give my life to have 5 minutes to say Good-bye to him – to hold him one more time – kiss him one more time..I don’t think the pain ever goes away – it just becomes embedded in your life..and you start weaving your life around it.

Once a year sometimes twice – I still go to the cemetery and visit his grave. It is still very difficult for me to go…to know I cannot have him with me. Losing him changed my life – changed me forever…

Yes I have Crystalyn – she is my world…I truly believe I would not be around if it wasn’t for her…she gave me a reason to live..a reason to go with life. I am very thankful for the close bond we have with each other..only her and I can share that spiritual connection with Joshua..it is a something I hang on to.

I guess I could go on and on but I will leave you all with this bit of wisdom from me: HUG your loved ones as often as possible…never take them for granted…tell them at every opportunity how much you LOVE them…ENJOY every moment you have with them…because truly NO ONE IS GUARANTEED TOMORROW.


Here is another little picture of Joshua….just hanging out – peeking to see who is taking a picture again…lol


Pictures of my parents the day after we brought the babies home…you can see the heart wire leads hanging down in the picture on the left.

I just wanted to share a few pictures that I manage to have….the pictures of my parents
with the babies is one of my favorites…I will show you another one tomorrow…

Just remembering some great times!!! Isn’t that was remembrance of our loved ones is all about.

Thanks for stopping by and Looking!!!


The photo above was taken the day the babies were released from the hospital..
we think Joshua (on the right) was asking Crystalyn – “hey what are they doing?” And Crystalyn said “Oh don’t worry – grown ups are just taking our pictures again.”

I wish I had better photos to share with all of you…unfortunately the ones I am  showing you are the ONLY ones I have…as a side note…when I was moving from separating from my first husband…my belongings were still at his place which caught on fire and everything I ever owned was in it including anything I had of Joshua…the few photos I am showing you come from pictures that my parents just happen to have. (not many)

I want to THANK YOU for your warm kind comments…they have all touched my heart beyond what I could ever describe here – I thought for a very long time that I was handling things…but I think A LOT of the depression that I have been fighting has something to do with losing Joshua. I feel VERY RESPONSIBLE for his death…No I did not hurt him….but parents who lose a child to SIDS always carry the burden of thinking they did something wrong or could have prevented it all somehow. It is very difficult to get past that. Whatever you may read about SIDS…do not fool yourself into thinking that putting a baby on his stomach or its back will prevent it..I know way too many parents that were holding their babies and the baby just died in their arms due to SIDS…it is something about the brain NOT sending the messages to the heart and lungs to beat and breathe…there is no cure…and so much research still has to be done…and 17 years later after losing Joshua – they are NO CLOSER to finding any answers.

I am blessed in many ways – though you may think it is crazy – but Joshua did so many things before passing on….He touched a horse ( a home visiting nurse took him outside and he got to touch our horse and watch it run) – he danced…a friend of mine and I put on some great music in the daycare (that I was running at the time) and we picked up the babies, and danced all over with them…Joshua just laughed and laughed..it was hysterical.
The day we brought Joshua home – I remember sitting his  baby seat down and he just started laughing (it sounded like the cheetah cartoon character from the fritos commercial)…it was so funny..so we called him cheesy from that day forward. My ex said it was the angels talking to him (hmmm – maybe). When you would hold him – he clung to you like he was hugging…it was so wonderful to feel him do that…I have never felt a baby do it like he did…I used to have this beautiful dog named Cleo (german short-haired pointer) who took to the babies immediately – became their personal body guards…and when I brought them home – Cleo laid her head across Joshua’s lap and he stopped fussing…she became his protector – it really was amazing.

When the twins came home – they weighed over 4 pounds…BUT NOTHING FIT THEM…they were toooo small. We had to order these special preemie diapers from the pampers company – the diapers were so small they could fit inside a wallet (were your dollar bills go)…it was wild..yet they were big on my babies. So we had to go shopping at a toy store and buy premie cabbage patch clothes to fit them until they could gain some weight.

In the state of Florida – You had to go through these “tests” to see if you can take care of your preemie babies once the hospital released them. You also had to attend special classes to learn to think preemie. (I kid you not) So they had to see you bathe your baby and feed them and change their diapers, and give them medicine and change/fix/set up their heart monitors – and breathing machines, dress and undress them, wrap them in blankets, how you hold them, how you walk with them, how you pick them up and set them down, how you put them in a car seat and take them out and on and on.

I remember when I had to bathe the babies – they were so small we had to use 4×4 gauze pads for a wash cloth that were softened by baby soap and warm…because their bodies were so small – washcloths were too big and bulky …so differently then having a baby that goes full term.

Well that is my entry today about Joshua…it kind of wipes me out so I will continue later…I am not upset – just thinking back to all these times brings back a flood of memories that I have not thought of in a long time!!!

Thanks for reading this far…I appreciate the caring and compassion you all have shown me…truly – from the bottom of my heart – THANK YOU!


Jana over at JANA’S JOURNEY had this wonderful idea to remember this week our
loved ones that we have lost – to celebrate their memory during this holiday season…I
thought this was an awesome idea..because there is NOT a day that goes by that I do not think of or miss Joshua – they say that time heals…it does in so many ways – but the void in my heart can never be repaired, can never be filled…and my LOVE for him will never wither away. God – I MISS HIM!!!

The story below I wrote over 10 years ago that I have posted on one of my webpages..I have never retouched it -rewrote it – nothing…it is how I felt at the time and I will not change anything about it…I am sure there are questions about some things…feel free to ask away…I will be writing more about Joshua this week…but for today I wanted you to hear his story!!! Here is Joshua:

It was August 1989…I went for a doctor’s visit because
I had gotten a nasty cough and since I was having a
terrible time with my pregnancy, the doctors wanted
to see me. I was 5 months pregnant with twins.
I remember the JOY and THRILL I felt when I
found out I was pregnant and to find out it was
Twins was a double Blessing.
I went to meet with the specialist at the Hospital
since that is where he was doing rounds.
Well after a quick examination and lots of talk among
the doctors… they said I was not going anywhere.
I was in Labor. I had started to dilate.
The greatest fear ran thru my mind…Terrified that I would
lose my babies … my nightmare began.
To make the longest month of my life short…after one week
of being in the hospital my gall bladder had
become so diseased that they had to perform
emergency surgery to remove it.
During my stay they also found out that
thru medication that I was allergic to
I had contracted Hepatitis.
Also some other medication that the doctors
had given me I was soooo allergic to
that I had experienced several mini heart attacks.
So many other things went wrong…no one knew if
I would survive nor the twins.
Well after fighting for a month to avoid delivering early
the fight was over.
The decision was made on September 18,1989
to let me deliver at 6 months.
At 4:45am on September 19,1989
I delivered twins by c-section because our
little girl was breach.
The first out was Joshua, 1.8 pounds
So small so peaceful so perfect in my eyes.
Then came Crystalyn, 2.0 pounds
So small and full of spunk so perfect in my eyes.
They spent the next 2 months in the
hospital…they were not allowed to
come home until they were at least 4 pounds in weight.
It seemed like everyday there was another
crisis with the babies.
Every night we went to spend hours just looking
at them.
They were fighters though..nothing could keep them down.
We brought them home November 1st 1989.
A true day of celebration.
I did not care that they had to come home
on heart monitors.
Just as long as I finally got to bring them home.
Every Friday we would have to go to the doctors.
The best Christmas present I ever had was
having them home.
The alarms would go off….and every time I would
age…the sound became my worst nightmare.
In February 1990…Joshua was having a tough time
too many alarms and his breathing was
straining him.
After a couple of days we got to bring him home.
Well Joshua really never regained his strength.
On the morning of March 8 1990 I woke up to
Joshua crying really hard…which was unusual for him.
I picked him up and we walked the house
looking for his pacifier.
I told him I was going to put him down in bed so that
I could get his bottle.
Then we had to leave to go to the doctor’s again.
I put him down…picked up his bottle from the kitchen
and when I returned to his room…he was blue.
I remember very little after that.
Started CPR…called 911
was rushed to the hospital by ambulance.
And 45 minutes later the doctors came in to tell me
he was gone. There was nothing that they could do.
I remember not being allowed to leave the hospital until
the coroner and some investigators got there.
I remember being very confused.
Life seem to go in very slow motion.
I do remember being told by the police and the coroner
that according to state law I am guilty in the death of my son
until thru an autopsy I could be proven innocent.
After being questioned for what seemed
for hours I was allowed to go home.
The priliminary autopsy proved that I was innocent.
The final autopsy that was given 2 months later
said that Joshua had died of S.I.D.S.
(Sudden Infant Death Syndrome)
Nothing will ever be the same for me.
Nothing could ever help me understand
how that could happen to my baby boy.
The one who fought all the odds, the one
whose spirit was so peaceful and so loving.
He was lost to such a mystery.
After that every time I looked in Crystalyn’s eyes
I could see Joshua.
Everything that I had for two..I now only needed for one.
I had wonderful friends who were there for me.
I know I would have never made it without them.
I really did not want to go on without Joshua.
He was the weakest of the two…but there was
something so special and different about him.
Then after a time period of being just numb..
I had realized that I still had a baby to care for.
Crystalyn I know was my only reason for living.
She made me want to wake up every morning.
To almost make up for lost time with Joshua.
I will forever miss Joshua.
There are just no words to describe the emptiness
and loss of him.

****Thanks for reading this far…HUG those you LOVE – No One Guarantees Tomorrow!


I know I am so behind in keeping this blog updated….so much going on.
I do keep  my original blog  more frequently updated then this one…so if you ever want to see what is happening..here is my  other blog : ELLIE’S CRAZY LIFE

I have just finished participating in a month long challenge of creating art everyday in my art blog – FINDING MYSELF – that was a tremendous learning experience and something that I grew from. I have made some new friends and strengthened other friendships…I received some WONDERFUL support..especially from my friend Anke, whose kind words and encouragement really help motivate me and kept me going…if you have a moment – check out her blog called THE ARTIST IN ME – her work is fabulous!

My son did manage to make it home from Arizona to say Good-bye to us before being deployed out. He was only here for 3 and a half days…too short…of course I cried my eyes out when he left….I could feel my heart breaking…but the good news is we have heard from him on a regular basis. He is still adjusting to life there…and through our conversations I have compiled a list and shopped for things that I know he will appreciate. So This coming monday or tuesday at the latest we will be sending him a care package for Christmas…I just hope he gets it in time…I cannot tell you all yet what we have bought him because most of it is a surprise for him and I don’t want to take a chance of him reading any of my blogs and figuring out what we got him. I will say – he will be so SURPRISED and love it all!!!

My other son who is stationed at Ft Campbell -Kentucky, will definitely be home on December 14th. The ticket has been purchased and all the plans are finalized. It will be wonderful to have him home…AJ has this wonderful talent of making me laugh no matter what is going on. He has such a beautiful spirit about him..We have a few surprises for him too!!!!

Crystalyn never made it to my parents…the airfares were OUTRAGEOUS…it is more expensive to fly in state then fly to Europe….so she stayed home and we had a wonderfully peaceful  Thanksgiving full of so much delicious food (with leftovers that lasted 3 days after) She had a wonderful week off from school and got caught up on things she needed to do – so all in all it was quite successful. Now she only has 2 and a half weeks of school before Christmas break and then she is off for just over two weeks…so she will get to spend some great time with AJ and they can go off and do fun stuff together!

The weather,unfortunately here got warm again…this past week it has been in the 80’s. That kind of weather does not promote the festive holiday feel…but hopefully this coming week things will cool off….it really is too hot for this time of year here.

This weekend I am hoping to be done with my Christmas cards and I just have to print out two calendars that I made for my parents and my hunnie’s mom as Christmas presents to send to them. Then I should be done with the major stuff….This year we bought a 4-1/2 tree for outside our front door (artificial) instead of having a tree inside the house. We have 11 rotties who are way too active to have a tree inside…and I just wanted the outside to look nice.  Hopefully next weekend we will be done with anything outside decorations we are going to do. I just want the holidays to be calm and relaxing!!

I think I have caught up on all the news that is fit to print….May you all have a beautiful December…Until Next Time….PEACE!!


It seems like November is moving awfully quickly….the atmosphere seems to be getting a bit chaotic in that we are trying to get ready for several things. We are trying to arrange a flight for my daughter to go visit my parents further down south for the Thanksgiving holidays…she has off for over a week so it would be nice for her to visit with family. However right now we are waiting to hear if any flights become available.

We also have heard from our son who is leaving for Japan…the army has CUT his visiting time…he has to deploy A LOT sooner…so right now it looks like he will get here and have to fly right back out after one night. He thinks he will make it here quickly but I think that is all wishful thinking. So those plans are up in the air right now…Today he graduates from AIT and he gets to leave anytime after midnight to head home. We will see what happens.

The weather has been wonderful…so nice and cool, makes it so much easier to breathe. I have made it a point of going out every day..at least for a few minutes…a great way to clear my head…and regain some balance. I have been keeping up with my art blog (FINDING MYSELF) everyday. I signed up for a challenge called ART EVERY DAY of the MONTH. So far I have managed to create something everyday. At first I really did not think I was good enough to be a part of it…I was going to wait until next year to join it..BUT no one is guaranteed a tomorrow so I joined..People have been very encouraging and supportive, and I am finding out that I can show my art and nothing bad will happen.

My hunnie right now is putting together a craft type table for me to do all my art and crafts on…I am just too excited about it…I am thinking about collaging the whole top of it then sealing it…something different – something that says me!!!

Yesterday and today I have been feeling a bit low…I am trying to fight through it all but it is driving me crazy…(right now I am refusing to give in to those dark feelings and self destructive thoughts) well hunnnie and daughter went out to run some errands and brought back some surprises for me…one being some beanie babies…(something else I have been collecting) they are absolutely adorable and two of them are primates…YAYAY! They also brought back Chinese food for lunch (my favorite) and fall angels for my collection (so very beautiful – leaves are the wings). So today I have been very spoiled and they both have succeeded in making me feel better.

Well I think I will head outside and see how it is going with putting the top on my table. Thanks for stopping by!