Here is another little picture of Joshua….just hanging out – peeking to see who is taking a picture again…lol
Pictures of my parents the day after we brought the babies home…you can see the heart wire leads hanging down in the picture on the left.
I just wanted to share a few pictures that I manage to have….the pictures of my parents
with the babies is one of my favorites…I will show you another one tomorrow…
Just remembering some great times!!! Isn’t that was remembrance of our loved ones is all about.
Thanks for stopping by and Looking!!!
The photo above was taken the day the babies were released from the hospital..
we think Joshua (on the right) was asking Crystalyn – “hey what are they doing?” And Crystalyn said “Oh don’t worry – grown ups are just taking our pictures again.”
I wish I had better photos to share with all of you…unfortunately the ones I am showing you are the ONLY ones I have…as a side note…when I was moving from separating from my first husband…my belongings were still at his place which caught on fire and everything I ever owned was in it including anything I had of Joshua…the few photos I am showing you come from pictures that my parents just happen to have. (not many)
I want to THANK YOU for your warm kind comments…they have all touched my heart beyond what I could ever describe here – I thought for a very long time that I was handling things…but I think A LOT of the depression that I have been fighting has something to do with losing Joshua. I feel VERY RESPONSIBLE for his death…No I did not hurt him….but parents who lose a child to SIDS always carry the burden of thinking they did something wrong or could have prevented it all somehow. It is very difficult to get past that. Whatever you may read about SIDS…do not fool yourself into thinking that putting a baby on his stomach or its back will prevent it..I know way too many parents that were holding their babies and the baby just died in their arms due to SIDS…it is something about the brain NOT sending the messages to the heart and lungs to beat and breathe…there is no cure…and so much research still has to be done…and 17 years later after losing Joshua – they are NO CLOSER to finding any answers.
I am blessed in many ways – though you may think it is crazy – but Joshua did so many things before passing on….He touched a horse ( a home visiting nurse took him outside and he got to touch our horse and watch it run) – he danced…a friend of mine and I put on some great music in the daycare (that I was running at the time) and we picked up the babies, and danced all over with them…Joshua just laughed and laughed..it was hysterical.
The day we brought Joshua home – I remember sitting his baby seat down and he just started laughing (it sounded like the cheetah cartoon character from the fritos commercial)…it was so funny..so we called him cheesy from that day forward. My ex said it was the angels talking to him (hmmm – maybe). When you would hold him – he clung to you like he was hugging…it was so wonderful to feel him do that…I have never felt a baby do it like he did…I used to have this beautiful dog named Cleo (german short-haired pointer) who took to the babies immediately – became their personal body guards…and when I brought them home – Cleo laid her head across Joshua’s lap and he stopped fussing…she became his protector – it really was amazing.
When the twins came home – they weighed over 4 pounds…BUT NOTHING FIT THEM…they were toooo small. We had to order these special preemie diapers from the pampers company – the diapers were so small they could fit inside a wallet (were your dollar bills go)…it was wild..yet they were big on my babies. So we had to go shopping at a toy store and buy premie cabbage patch clothes to fit them until they could gain some weight.
In the state of Florida – You had to go through these “tests” to see if you can take care of your preemie babies once the hospital released them. You also had to attend special classes to learn to think preemie. (I kid you not) So they had to see you bathe your baby and feed them and change their diapers, and give them medicine and change/fix/set up their heart monitors – and breathing machines, dress and undress them, wrap them in blankets, how you hold them, how you walk with them, how you pick them up and set them down, how you put them in a car seat and take them out and on and on.
I remember when I had to bathe the babies – they were so small we had to use 4×4 gauze pads for a wash cloth that were softened by baby soap and warm…because their bodies were so small – washcloths were too big and bulky …so differently then having a baby that goes full term.
Well that is my entry today about Joshua…it kind of wipes me out so I will continue later…I am not upset – just thinking back to all these times brings back a flood of memories that I have not thought of in a long time!!!
Thanks for reading this far…I appreciate the caring and compassion you all have shown me…truly – from the bottom of my heart – THANK YOU!
Jana over at JANA’S JOURNEY had this wonderful idea to remember this week our
loved ones that we have lost – to celebrate their memory during this holiday season…I
thought this was an awesome idea..because there is NOT a day that goes by that I do not think of or miss Joshua – they say that time heals…it does in so many ways – but the void in my heart can never be repaired, can never be filled…and my LOVE for him will never wither away. God – I MISS HIM!!!
The story below I wrote over 10 years ago that I have posted on one of my webpages..I have never retouched it -rewrote it – nothing…it is how I felt at the time and I will not change anything about it…I am sure there are questions about some things…feel free to ask away…I will be writing more about Joshua this week…but for today I wanted you to hear his story!!! Here is Joshua:
It was August 1989…I went for a doctor’s visit because
I had gotten a nasty cough and since I was having a
terrible time with my pregnancy, the doctors wanted
to see me. I was 5 months pregnant with twins.
I remember the JOY and THRILL I felt when I
found out I was pregnant and to find out it was
Twins was a double Blessing.
I went to meet with the specialist at the Hospital
since that is where he was doing rounds.
Well after a quick examination and lots of talk among
the doctors… they said I was not going anywhere.
I was in Labor. I had started to dilate.
The greatest fear ran thru my mind…Terrified that I would
lose my babies … my nightmare began.
To make the longest month of my life short…after one week
of being in the hospital my gall bladder had
become so diseased that they had to perform
emergency surgery to remove it.
During my stay they also found out that
thru medication that I was allergic to
I had contracted Hepatitis.
Also some other medication that the doctors
had given me I was soooo allergic to
that I had experienced several mini heart attacks.
So many other things went wrong…no one knew if
I would survive nor the twins.
Well after fighting for a month to avoid delivering early
the fight was over.
The decision was made on September 18,1989
to let me deliver at 6 months.
At 4:45am on September 19,1989
I delivered twins by c-section because our
little girl was breach.
The first out was Joshua, 1.8 pounds
So small so peaceful so perfect in my eyes.
Then came Crystalyn, 2.0 pounds
So small and full of spunk so perfect in my eyes.
They spent the next 2 months in the
hospital…they were not allowed to
come home until they were at least 4 pounds in weight.
It seemed like everyday there was another
crisis with the babies.
Every night we went to spend hours just looking
They were fighters though..nothing could keep them down.
We brought them home November 1st 1989.
A true day of celebration.
I did not care that they had to come home
on heart monitors.
Just as long as I finally got to bring them home.
Every Friday we would have to go to the doctors.
The best Christmas present I ever had was
having them home.
The alarms would go off….and every time I would
age…the sound became my worst nightmare.
In February 1990…Joshua was having a tough time
too many alarms and his breathing was
After a couple of days we got to bring him home.
Well Joshua really never regained his strength.
On the morning of March 8 1990 I woke up to
Joshua crying really hard…which was unusual for him.
I picked him up and we walked the house
looking for his pacifier.
I told him I was going to put him down in bed so that
I could get his bottle.
Then we had to leave to go to the doctor’s again.
I put him down…picked up his bottle from the kitchen
and when I returned to his room…he was blue.
I remember very little after that.
Started CPR…called 911
was rushed to the hospital by ambulance.
And 45 minutes later the doctors came in to tell me
he was gone. There was nothing that they could do.
I remember not being allowed to leave the hospital until
the coroner and some investigators got there.
I remember being very confused.
Life seem to go in very slow motion.
I do remember being told by the police and the coroner
that according to state law I am guilty in the death of my son
until thru an autopsy I could be proven innocent.
After being questioned for what seemed
for hours I was allowed to go home.
The priliminary autopsy proved that I was innocent.
The final autopsy that was given 2 months later
said that Joshua had died of S.I.D.S.
(Sudden Infant Death Syndrome)
Nothing will ever be the same for me.
Nothing could ever help me understand
how that could happen to my baby boy.
The one who fought all the odds, the one
whose spirit was so peaceful and so loving.
He was lost to such a mystery.
After that every time I looked in Crystalyn’s eyes
I could see Joshua.
Everything that I had for two..I now only needed for one.
I had wonderful friends who were there for me.
I know I would have never made it without them.
I really did not want to go on without Joshua.
He was the weakest of the two…but there was
something so special and different about him.
Then after a time period of being just numb..
I had realized that I still had a baby to care for.
Crystalyn I know was my only reason for living.
She made me want to wake up every morning.
To almost make up for lost time with Joshua.
I will forever miss Joshua.
There are just no words to describe the emptiness
and loss of him.
****Thanks for reading this far…HUG those you LOVE – No One Guarantees Tomorrow!