Have not had much energy lately to do much writing…especially in my blogs…I have kept up with my art blog (FINDING MYSELF) because it is a promise/committment I made to myself to do this year. I guess I have been feeling sorry for myself lately because I am tired of being sick and tired…
Let me backtrack for a minute here – In 2000 I had gotten sick (lung infections, pneumonia and all that fun stuff) for the umpteenth time…well in august it would be the last time I would work. I was diagnosed with COPD – my lungs are permanently damaged by black mold…yes my workplace had black mold seeping through the ceiling and walls and no matter how much I complained NOTHING WAS DONE!!
To make a very very LONG story short…through doctors and the court – I was claimed permanently and totally disabled…my life changed forever and I won a Workman’s Comp lawsuit against the state. The state has to pay me my salary with a 3.5% raise every year until my retirement age of 65. The state fought against it for two years when I first got sick…they blamed me for everything – that fight lasted two years (in the meantime – my house went into foreclosure – we had to claim bankruptcy and many other problems arose) and in the end – the day of the trial – the state had NOTHING…no argument – no fight – they just tried to delay things for as long as possible and made me go to dozens and dozens of doctors (all their choice – all paid by them) to prove me wrong – to get me to stop the lawsuit…the problem is all of their doctors agreed with me – they all found the same thing – I was dying from black mold poisoning…my lungs would never get better…and the state was totally at fault. They had private investigators following me for 6 of those months – they only thing they got on tape was me walking with a cane VERY SLOWLY (because the drugs have eaten away at the calcium in my bones and now I fall very easily) and using oxygen (as prescribed by my doctor and theirs)…the tapes went against them…usually in this state – it takes 2-4 weeks for a judge to make a decision in W/C cases – this particular judge was so furious at the state – he made his decision right then and there – the state LOST BIG TIME…they were also fined because of certain “techniques” and such –
Yes I am thrilled I won – but at what cost….my life will never be the same – my life has been shortened – I have been severely depressed and extremely agoraphobic because I truly fear that people out there are taping me or looking to get me on something – so it is best I just stay inside my house.
I guess I am telling you all this to let you know where my head is at – to let myself know where I have been and where I am now!
So for the past two days my chest has been in pain (not my heart – my lungs) and I have been fighting headaches…so it is wearing me down as usual. So I tend to become even more introverted and I keep to myself until whatever it is goes away…sometimes the pain goes away fast – sometimes it stays for weeks and weeks…so that is where I am at today…just tired of fighting…of feeling sorry for myself…of wondering what will happen next to me. GEEZ – this is just getting old! Thanks for reading (if you are still here) – thanks for listening….
The daughter has had exams all week – today she has a half day of school and then is off until next tuesday – so it will be nice to have her home for a long weekend – maybe her and I can get creative. I have just been sleeping for about 4 days now – that is what happens when my body is fighting something…
Well I will leave you with this beautiful graphic I have come upon…and I hope you have a beautiful week and weekend!!!
Until Next Time – PEACE!!!
Jana over at JANA’S JOURNEY had this wonderful idea to remember this week our
loved ones that we have lost – to celebrate their memory during this holiday season…I
thought this was an awesome idea..because there is NOT a day that goes by that I do not think of or miss Joshua – they say that time heals…it does in so many ways – but the void in my heart can never be repaired, can never be filled…and my LOVE for him will never wither away. God – I MISS HIM!!!
The story below I wrote over 10 years ago that I have posted on one of my webpages..I have never retouched it -rewrote it – nothing…it is how I felt at the time and I will not change anything about it…I am sure there are questions about some things…feel free to ask away…I will be writing more about Joshua this week…but for today I wanted you to hear his story!!! Here is Joshua:
It was August 1989…I went for a doctor’s visit because
I had gotten a nasty cough and since I was having a
terrible time with my pregnancy, the doctors wanted
to see me. I was 5 months pregnant with twins.
I remember the JOY and THRILL I felt when I
found out I was pregnant and to find out it was
Twins was a double Blessing.
I went to meet with the specialist at the Hospital
since that is where he was doing rounds.
Well after a quick examination and lots of talk among
the doctors… they said I was not going anywhere.
I was in Labor. I had started to dilate.
The greatest fear ran thru my mind…Terrified that I would
lose my babies … my nightmare began.
To make the longest month of my life short…after one week
of being in the hospital my gall bladder had
become so diseased that they had to perform
emergency surgery to remove it.
During my stay they also found out that
thru medication that I was allergic to
I had contracted Hepatitis.
Also some other medication that the doctors
had given me I was soooo allergic to
that I had experienced several mini heart attacks.
So many other things went wrong…no one knew if
I would survive nor the twins.
Well after fighting for a month to avoid delivering early
the fight was over.
The decision was made on September 18,1989
to let me deliver at 6 months.
At 4:45am on September 19,1989
I delivered twins by c-section because our
little girl was breach.
The first out was Joshua, 1.8 pounds
So small so peaceful so perfect in my eyes.
Then came Crystalyn, 2.0 pounds
So small and full of spunk so perfect in my eyes.
They spent the next 2 months in the
hospital…they were not allowed to
come home until they were at least 4 pounds in weight.
It seemed like everyday there was another
crisis with the babies.
Every night we went to spend hours just looking
They were fighters though..nothing could keep them down.
We brought them home November 1st 1989.
A true day of celebration.
I did not care that they had to come home
on heart monitors.
Just as long as I finally got to bring them home.
Every Friday we would have to go to the doctors.
The best Christmas present I ever had was
having them home.
The alarms would go off….and every time I would
age…the sound became my worst nightmare.
In February 1990…Joshua was having a tough time
too many alarms and his breathing was
After a couple of days we got to bring him home.
Well Joshua really never regained his strength.
On the morning of March 8 1990 I woke up to
Joshua crying really hard…which was unusual for him.
I picked him up and we walked the house
looking for his pacifier.
I told him I was going to put him down in bed so that
I could get his bottle.
Then we had to leave to go to the doctor’s again.
I put him down…picked up his bottle from the kitchen
and when I returned to his room…he was blue.
I remember very little after that.
Started CPR…called 911
was rushed to the hospital by ambulance.
And 45 minutes later the doctors came in to tell me
he was gone. There was nothing that they could do.
I remember not being allowed to leave the hospital until
the coroner and some investigators got there.
I remember being very confused.
Life seem to go in very slow motion.
I do remember being told by the police and the coroner
that according to state law I am guilty in the death of my son
until thru an autopsy I could be proven innocent.
After being questioned for what seemed
for hours I was allowed to go home.
The priliminary autopsy proved that I was innocent.
The final autopsy that was given 2 months later
said that Joshua had died of S.I.D.S.
(Sudden Infant Death Syndrome)
Nothing will ever be the same for me.
Nothing could ever help me understand
how that could happen to my baby boy.
The one who fought all the odds, the one
whose spirit was so peaceful and so loving.
He was lost to such a mystery.
After that every time I looked in Crystalyn’s eyes
I could see Joshua.
Everything that I had for two..I now only needed for one.
I had wonderful friends who were there for me.
I know I would have never made it without them.
I really did not want to go on without Joshua.
He was the weakest of the two…but there was
something so special and different about him.
Then after a time period of being just numb..
I had realized that I still had a baby to care for.
Crystalyn I know was my only reason for living.
She made me want to wake up every morning.
To almost make up for lost time with Joshua.
I will forever miss Joshua.
There are just no words to describe the emptiness
and loss of him.
****Thanks for reading this far…HUG those you LOVE – No One Guarantees Tomorrow!
Well I have finally started getting a bit organized with my pages and have created my business card page…you can find it here: BUSINESS CARD DIVA.
Right now I do not have any cards uploaded because I am still trying to sort through what I can and cannot use…but hopefully this weekend I will put a dent in it. Definitely check it out and let me know what you think. I have also updated my personal blog that I have had for over 4 years..feel free to check it out here: ELLIE’S CRAZY LIFE
Finally I have updated my art blog…I have been amusing myself by playing with digital painting. I am not very good at it but at least it keeps my head busy and keeps the creative juices flowing. Feel free to check it out here: FINDING MYSELF.
Well today we hope to watch some great college football, maybe even play with some art. All this organizing really has made me exhausted…LOL!