Tag Archives: depression

I AM BACK

WOW – I cannot believe I have been gone for so long. I really did not mean to be gone for so long – for that I truly apologize. I think that absence was the worst for me fighting COPD and depression…I gave into it all – but now I am on the road to recovery – I am fighting the “demons” (sort of speak) and taking things one step at a time – one moment at a time – THANKS for being so patient and for your caring messages – it has all given me strength. Well now that I have blubbered off – on to the news….

First and foremost – I have quit smoking – I mentioned this bit of news on my art blog but I cannot help but mention it again..I have smoked for about 30 years…yes I know it is a nasty habit – and no it is NOT responsible for my COPD – (did not help it tho) but for me – (at least in my head) it helped to relieve stress. However one morning I woke up (jan 25th) and the desire to smoke was GONE–yes I tell you totally gone!! I have not looked back – have no cravings for it – (never had any) I AM FINALLY FREE. I have no explanation – maybe my inner spirit got tired of being contaminated by my outer weakness.LOL.
My hunnie was so inspired he also quit two months later and has not looked back. We figure to be saving about $140 a month – YAYAYAY!!

Well my daughter was in her senior year of high school and the second half of the year became extremely busy and expensive and tons of running around!! Between finishing up all requirements for graduation – there was grad bash -(seniors going to celebrate a night at Universal Studios and such), Senior breakfast, PROM -omg – that is a money rip off for young people, finals, and the insane graduation. I will just say that one of my greatest joys was watching my daughter receive her diploma – we were at a ENORMOUS arena (where the NBA plays) so we had to watch her get it on a huge prompter – but it was GLORIOUS!!!


We had some sad moments – one of my daughter’s dogs had to be put down – he suffered from blocked kidneys and a malfunctioning bladder – we were all for surgery to help him but as soon as they gave him a relaxer he passed on – once he felt no pain – he was able to let go. It broke her heart…broke all our hearts – he was beautiful!
Then our very first rottie that started off our zoo – passed away from old age – She was just short of 15 years old (which is very old for a rottie) but she lived a full and energetic life…we were blessed to have had her…just passed away in her sleep – my hunnie rubbed her head until she feel asleep for the last and final time!

If you have been reading my blogs for a time – you might know that my parents about two years ago moved down closer to my siblings because my brother owns a duplex that my parents can live in for free – WELL I am slowly finding out that my parents’s health is declining – I was born and raised in NY – lived there until I was 27 when I decided to move to Florida to live closer to my parents (who retired here) and my siblings…I mention this because my parents have no memories of NY – my father says that he has never lived in NY..
Both my parents are requiring A LOT of care – my brother has been trying to talk to them about living in an senior citizens apartment building where there are others their age, companionship, nurse always on call and individual apartments, activities etc…my father says that those places are insane asylumns, and my mother says that old people only go there when their family does not want them…so my brother has his hands full. My brother took them both to the doctors and had MRIs done of their brains and they are both suffering from dementia…not good!!! The story of my brother is too long to go into – I will save that drama for another time!

I have NOT gone out at all really – I made it to my doctor’s appointment, which is another long story I will save for another time….I manage to go to the graduation (which I am so grateful for)..but Other then that – I am a total recluse. I know that not going out only contributes to my depression BUT – knowing that and trying to change that are two different worlds for me!

Okay – the last thing that made me nuts and kept me away is my computer – I was having some problems with it before I disappeared…(lots of error messages showing up) but it took me what seemed forever to save what I could on to a new external hard drive that my hunnie got me – it seemed like my old computer did not want me to transfer ANYTHING….GEEZ – and then it happened – my puter gave up the ghost – OMG – I was devasted because I did not get to save any of my links or email addresses or addresses to any of the blogs I was reading – it has taken me about 6 weeks now to finally get in touch with the majority of the people I was in touch with…SO my point is if you would like to exchange links to each other’s blogs PLEASE let me know – and if we were in touch before I crashed or now – and you would like to continue or start staying in touch – please leave me a note –and then somehow I will get my email address out to you~! The good news in all this – is that my daughter bought me a NEW COMPUTER…it is beautiful and fast and fast and beautiful – I am BLESSED…so now I am playing catch up…LOL

As a side note – yes we are living day to day over hurricanes…FAY flooded out the state of Florida! We are BLESSED because our property is built up a bit so we did not get water in the house but our ditches and street and back yard were under water – nothing like what you might have seen on TV but enough that it makes you nuts and it seems to attract a bazillion mosquitos and snakes and ants etc etc. We got brief storms and rain from IKE (thank God) nothing major! So right now I am just hoping that the rest of the season fades away quickly and no more hurricanes decide to visit!

I have also updated my art blog – so please feel free to check that from now on too!! FINDING MYSELF.

Again – THANKS for your kind words, notes, emails, messages, comments, caring and concern…I will take things slowly and hopefully that will keep me going and help me stay in touch without feeling overwhelmed..have a BEAUTIFUL day!!

KEEPING BUSY

Finally I have a few moments to catch up on a few things…First the weather – WOW finally some fall like weather has finally hit the sunshine state. I am loving it! I can actually breathe in some fresh air without choking. It has been wonderful the last few days…I have actually been sitting outside just soaking it all in!

Hurricane Noel skirted our coast but THANK GOD for the low front that was coming in the opposite direction and forced Noel to go away..unfortunately the east coast beaches took a beating with high surfs and more beach erosion has occured, but at least NO HURRICANES…it has been the most mildest season I have ever seen in the 20 or so years I have lived here.

I have really been doing some major blog hopping and researching on creating. Almost seems you would not have to research it but you do…to find things that inspire you. I think that is what spoiled things for me…lack of inspiration…I wanted to see what inspires others to create…see what they create..what they use..the thought process…I could go on and on..but I don’t want to bore anyone..suffice it to say…I have found things to inspire me..words, pictures, art, materials…things that once again..make me want to create. So I have been working on my art blog quite a bit…researching places to sell art at, “getting the word out” sort of speak. It really has been a labor of love for me. My head has not been so obsessed with depression and feeling trapped inside myself (now my battle with severe depression has been an on going thing for several years due to finding out just how sick I am). Being depressed took away my joy…but creating is bringing it back..all this research is bringing it back, thinking of new ways to be creative is bringing it back, meeting new people in the “art” community is bringing it back…..sharing my art with other people (actually letting others seeing it) is bringing it back. Just playing with supplies, throwing things together is bringing it back. I guess you get the point. You would think (if you have never suffered from depression) that it would be so easy to find things that give you joy like your significant other, your kids, your job, your fur babies, your possessions…but it does not. It does not mean that you love your family any less or that they are not important in your life…it is just that the joy disappears from your thought process from deep within your heart it is almost impossible to make yourself feel it or experience it. Strange I am sure, to most people but not to me! I am far from being “cured” or out of that depressive state…but I can feel that joy slowly warm my heart, I can see the light in my head in that very dark tunnel in a far off distance. It feels good! So that is why feeling creative is so important to me. I have uploaded some pics of some of my work and such so please feel free to go check it out for yourself: FINDING MYSELF.

So now you know what I have been doing…as for the daughter – finally the first quarter of school is over..only 3 more to go…this also means report card time. To be honest…one grade needs improvement…she is also very confused as to why she received that grade because her main project was awesome! (she will have to speak with the teacher on monday) but she also received 3 “A’s” which I am thrilled about. She is a happy camper and it showed her that all the work was truly worth it…it was a great boost to her self esteem which is always a good thing! I am very proud of her!

The night before last my son who is stationed at Ft Campbell Kentucky IM’d me and we video chatted for a couple of hours…that was so much fun..he has a wonderful sense of humor….he could always make me laugh about anything! He has received confirmation that his vacation has been approved..so he will be home from December 18th to January 1st., so I am very excited..it will be wonderful to have him home for the holidays! My other son is still out in field…he has been out in the field for over 10 days now and will come in sometime after tomorrow…then he gets ready for graduation from AIT and then home to see us for a few days…then off to Japan.

It has been a full week with nice temps…we did have rain on and off for 4 or 5 days but we needed it since the state’s water table is 24 inches below critical. But this weekend is absolutely lovely…so I think I will go and sit out some more! Thanks for stopping by.

PEACE!!!