Tag Archives: brother

THE MEANING I GIVE MY LIFE

Today in soul coaching we are suppose to look at those turning points we wrote about yesterday and talk about what meaning they have given our lives. HMMMmm…at least the more pivotal points in our journey of life…Now I can think of about 5 of those…but as I have been thinking of those times and how I felt and the events surrounding them – I can honestly say that some events I am still NOT over. I still have not figured out the meaning behind – and turning it positive – or something I have grown from is NOT possible for me right now!

I remember the events surrounding my brother’s death. I was 12 at the time – it was jan 1973…I remember it being cold outside – I remember my father coming home and whispering to my mom – I remember my dad breaking the news to me – the vision that popped in my head was a river with strong currents (like the east river or hudson river in NY) going by and a bridge far atop…I remember thinking who would want to kill my brother – he was so big and strong and had protected me before – there was no way someone could hurt him. I was never told the actual circumstances of his death until I was out of high school.
I remember the wake being a week long (later to find out – because the police were investigating and family were still coming in). I remember my father always asking where I was wanting me close to him ( I have several other siblings who were not sitting next to him – that he did not ask for)…Looking back – I know my dad was scared – scared he would lose me (we have always been extremely tight), every thing he said to me about my brother was well rehearsed so that I would be protected from the truth and feeling hurt ( I thought my brother was a true superman). I remember seeing the hurt in my father’s eyes…to me – that is the one thing you NEVER want to see – NEVER want to experience – it breaks your heart…as I sit here and think about it – I feel the tears welling up in my eyes – because I never wanted my dad to hurt. He was my strength and seeing the hurt means someone or something broke his spirit. (to me).

I remember us going to the actual burial and my dad covering my eyes before getting to the cemetery – so i would not know where he was buried – The reason is – the police suspected that if family were to come to the cemetery on their own without all the police escort – that this gang would go after family members. I remember my dad truly never wanting to talk about it again! You know the saying that you live through your child’s life – their success is your success – well my dad felt like a failure. His world came crashing down and he did not know how to handle it all. So he just did not talk about it anymore after my brother was buried.

This was a pivotal point in my life – I saw the strongest man I knew – be crushed emotionally yet he was worried about protecting me…I saw him regain his strength in silence – I saw the hurt in his eyes – and it broke my heart – so I just held him, hugged him…and sat in silence with him.

This turning point strengthened the bond between my dad and myself – no words needed – there was unconditional love and healing in silence. He made me realize there is strength in family. His protecting me was not because he did not want me to know (he knew eventually I would find out the truth), but to protect me from hurt and pain – not that I was not capable of understanding it all, but if I had known – a part of my childhood would have been lost, along with my ideas and such of my brother.

This is my day 9 of SOUL COACHING and day 10 of NABLOPOMO!