It has been a while since I wrote about things that make me happy – it has nothing to do with NOT being happy – just trying to heal myself psychologically and emotionally so that I can get back to where I used to be.
I used to LOVE going out and working on plants and gardening….used to LOVE going shopping and not really buy anything….LOVE taking pictures of nature….LOVE having people over for dinner and just fun…but for years now I barely answer the phone to talk to anyone (including family and friends) – I hide in my little computer room and that is it.
Slowly lately I have been working on creations and moving forward…little tiny baby steps…small improvements – and it feels good right now—then about 4 weeks ago – my son and his wife (he is stationed in Japan) had a baby girl….her name is Savannah Marie….My daughter in law already has a toddler from another relationship – so I am a GRANDMOTHER – and that makes me HAPPY – actually ecstatic!!!!
The picture above is of my son and his wife and “D” their toddler and the new sweetie Savannah – he has received new orders to be stationed in Georgia – only about 6-8 hours away – we are thrilled – they come home Sept 9th so we are just soo00 excited!!! For now that is what makes me HAPPY!!!
The picture of the dam is from a high school friend who took the pic of the dam in our town – i have such awesome memories of the dam – so I was thrilled to receive this pic. Again – makes me beyond HAPPY!!
I hope you are HAPPY and Thanks for stopping by!!!
Today in soul coaching we are suppose to look at those turning points we wrote about yesterday and talk about what meaning they have given our lives. HMMMmm…at least the more pivotal points in our journey of life…Now I can think of about 5 of those…but as I have been thinking of those times and how I felt and the events surrounding them – I can honestly say that some events I am still NOT over. I still have not figured out the meaning behind – and turning it positive – or something I have grown from is NOT possible for me right now!
I remember the events surrounding my brother’s death. I was 12 at the time – it was jan 1973…I remember it being cold outside – I remember my father coming home and whispering to my mom – I remember my dad breaking the news to me – the vision that popped in my head was a river with strong currents (like the east river or hudson river in NY) going by and a bridge far atop…I remember thinking who would want to kill my brother – he was so big and strong and had protected me before – there was no way someone could hurt him. I was never told the actual circumstances of his death until I was out of high school.
I remember the wake being a week long (later to find out – because the police were investigating and family were still coming in). I remember my father always asking where I was wanting me close to him ( I have several other siblings who were not sitting next to him – that he did not ask for)…Looking back – I know my dad was scared – scared he would lose me (we have always been extremely tight), every thing he said to me about my brother was well rehearsed so that I would be protected from the truth and feeling hurt ( I thought my brother was a true superman). I remember seeing the hurt in my father’s eyes…to me – that is the one thing you NEVER want to see – NEVER want to experience – it breaks your heart…as I sit here and think about it – I feel the tears welling up in my eyes – because I never wanted my dad to hurt. He was my strength and seeing the hurt means someone or something broke his spirit. (to me).
I remember us going to the actual burial and my dad covering my eyes before getting to the cemetery – so i would not know where he was buried – The reason is – the police suspected that if family were to come to the cemetery on their own without all the police escort – that this gang would go after family members. I remember my dad truly never wanting to talk about it again! You know the saying that you live through your child’s life – their success is your success – well my dad felt like a failure. His world came crashing down and he did not know how to handle it all. So he just did not talk about it anymore after my brother was buried.
This was a pivotal point in my life – I saw the strongest man I knew – be crushed emotionally yet he was worried about protecting me…I saw him regain his strength in silence – I saw the hurt in his eyes – and it broke my heart – so I just held him, hugged him…and sat in silence with him.
This turning point strengthened the bond between my dad and myself – no words needed – there was unconditional love and healing in silence. He made me realize there is strength in family. His protecting me was not because he did not want me to know (he knew eventually I would find out the truth), but to protect me from hurt and pain – not that I was not capable of understanding it all, but if I had known – a part of my childhood would have been lost, along with my ideas and such of my brother.
This is my day 9 of SOUL COACHING and day 10 of NABLOPOMO!
Posted in blogging, family, NABLOPOMO, personal, soul coaching
Tagged bond, brother, father, funeral, NABLOPOMO, soul coaching, wake
Since this is the beginning to my new journey – part of that- is to make a contract to myself-as to what I want this month to be about. I want to be COMFORTABLE with me. Ever since this illness has taken a hold of my life – it has rippled from one thing to another. So my self worth – my purpose has changed – maybe even taken away in some respect. Even my family has questioned my worth because I can no longer work. So that has thrown even more self-doubt in the mix.
So truly I want to be more comfortable with me – more comfortable in creating and in that – knowing it is worth the time, just worthy period. The contract with myself – is to feel OK – about me – comfortable about me – comfortable doing what I can today – and being happy with that.
Achieving all that would be true PEACE and CONTENTMENT for me! Just me being on the puter is a major step in the right direction.
So much going on and it seems not enough time to sort it all out!
First AOL is closing down their web pages and journals that their customers develop and create…I guess they no longer want to store anything because now no one has to pay for their services…so everyone (including me) were scrambling around trying to figure out what are we going to do with our journals – how do you import them into another blog service? Can that be done? What happens to all our pictures and such? you get the drift. Well AOL and Blogger got together and have arranged to import our journals (if we want) into blogger. I had already started a new journal to replace the one from AOL at blogger because really no one was sure if anything was going to work…well sure enough yesterday I received a letter that said you can import your old journal to blogger and here is how – and in about 4 clicks and under 5 minutes – 5 years of blogging pages were imported into yet another blog for me in blogger. I think I am just going to use it as an archive because I already started a new one – but now that it is imported – I can get a book made of my journal so that is a good thing!
Now that brings me to my new blog……now this blog I will be using for the book club, NABLOPOMO, Muse ideas and inspiration – things like that….I still have my art blog – FINDING MYSELF – which will remain my art blog – and now my new blog which will be my everyday blog like I had over at AOL – called – THE CRAZY LIFE….so you are more then welcome to go check it out and leave me a message there…click on follow this blog so you can keep track of me…lol and I of you! I also have relocated my inspirational story blog from AOL to Blogger. It is called – ANGELS TOUCH MY HEART – I will be posting poems, stories and quotes that are inspirational just to share with you all – things that I come across on the internet or that are sent to me….just some good soul food – if you get my drift! I know it must seem like I am blog happy and keep adding more and more blogs but in my head they all serve a purpose for me – at least it used to all make sense to me…right now I am not too sure – LOL!
My daughter and hunnie went to Universal last night for my daughter’s birthday. We gave her tickets for Halloween Horror Nights for her birthday (she is into things like that). They had a FANTASTIC time..really went crazy and covered the entire park – that is too much for me – I was a happy camper staying home with the dogs and vegging out in front of the TV watching some college football!
Did I mention yet that I am taking part in a book club/coaching type of thing online? It is based on the book that is listed in my sidebar. Soul Coaching. I ordered the book and it arrived 3 days later – we are starting it Nov 1st…it is a 4 week class. I am so excited – I think this is precisely what I need to help me get out of the cloud of depression I have been under – at least get me on the road to recovery…taking this step is HUGE for me…but I really want to do it! Well more about it all later – I will be referring to the book and posting here about whatever and wherever the book takes me…I know that may not make sense but it will when the time comes!
Well I think that is enough catching up for now – Thanks for stopping by – PEACE!!
WOW – I cannot believe I have been gone for so long. I really did not mean to be gone for so long – for that I truly apologize. I think that absence was the worst for me fighting COPD and depression…I gave into it all – but now I am on the road to recovery – I am fighting the “demons” (sort of speak) and taking things one step at a time – one moment at a time – THANKS for being so patient and for your caring messages – it has all given me strength. Well now that I have blubbered off – on to the news….
First and foremost – I have quit smoking – I mentioned this bit of news on my art blog but I cannot help but mention it again..I have smoked for about 30 years…yes I know it is a nasty habit – and no it is NOT responsible for my COPD – (did not help it tho) but for me – (at least in my head) it helped to relieve stress. However one morning I woke up (jan 25th) and the desire to smoke was GONE–yes I tell you totally gone!! I have not looked back – have no cravings for it – (never had any) I AM FINALLY FREE. I have no explanation – maybe my inner spirit got tired of being contaminated by my outer weakness.LOL.
My hunnie was so inspired he also quit two months later and has not looked back. We figure to be saving about $140 a month – YAYAYAY!!
Well my daughter was in her senior year of high school and the second half of the year became extremely busy and expensive and tons of running around!! Between finishing up all requirements for graduation – there was grad bash -(seniors going to celebrate a night at Universal Studios and such), Senior breakfast, PROM -omg – that is a money rip off for young people, finals, and the insane graduation. I will just say that one of my greatest joys was watching my daughter receive her diploma – we were at a ENORMOUS arena (where the NBA plays) so we had to watch her get it on a huge prompter – but it was GLORIOUS!!!
We had some sad moments – one of my daughter’s dogs had to be put down – he suffered from blocked kidneys and a malfunctioning bladder – we were all for surgery to help him but as soon as they gave him a relaxer he passed on – once he felt no pain – he was able to let go. It broke her heart…broke all our hearts – he was beautiful!
Then our very first rottie that started off our zoo – passed away from old age – She was just short of 15 years old (which is very old for a rottie) but she lived a full and energetic life…we were blessed to have had her…just passed away in her sleep – my hunnie rubbed her head until she feel asleep for the last and final time!
If you have been reading my blogs for a time – you might know that my parents about two years ago moved down closer to my siblings because my brother owns a duplex that my parents can live in for free – WELL I am slowly finding out that my parents’s health is declining – I was born and raised in NY – lived there until I was 27 when I decided to move to Florida to live closer to my parents (who retired here) and my siblings…I mention this because my parents have no memories of NY – my father says that he has never lived in NY..
Both my parents are requiring A LOT of care – my brother has been trying to talk to them about living in an senior citizens apartment building where there are others their age, companionship, nurse always on call and individual apartments, activities etc…my father says that those places are insane asylumns, and my mother says that old people only go there when their family does not want them…so my brother has his hands full. My brother took them both to the doctors and had MRIs done of their brains and they are both suffering from dementia…not good!!! The story of my brother is too long to go into – I will save that drama for another time!
I have NOT gone out at all really – I made it to my doctor’s appointment, which is another long story I will save for another time….I manage to go to the graduation (which I am so grateful for)..but Other then that – I am a total recluse. I know that not going out only contributes to my depression BUT – knowing that and trying to change that are two different worlds for me!
Okay – the last thing that made me nuts and kept me away is my computer – I was having some problems with it before I disappeared…(lots of error messages showing up) but it took me what seemed forever to save what I could on to a new external hard drive that my hunnie got me – it seemed like my old computer did not want me to transfer ANYTHING….GEEZ – and then it happened – my puter gave up the ghost – OMG – I was devasted because I did not get to save any of my links or email addresses or addresses to any of the blogs I was reading – it has taken me about 6 weeks now to finally get in touch with the majority of the people I was in touch with…SO my point is if you would like to exchange links to each other’s blogs PLEASE let me know – and if we were in touch before I crashed or now – and you would like to continue or start staying in touch – please leave me a note –and then somehow I will get my email address out to you~! The good news in all this – is that my daughter bought me a NEW COMPUTER…it is beautiful and fast and fast and beautiful – I am BLESSED…so now I am playing catch up…LOL
As a side note – yes we are living day to day over hurricanes…FAY flooded out the state of Florida! We are BLESSED because our property is built up a bit so we did not get water in the house but our ditches and street and back yard were under water – nothing like what you might have seen on TV but enough that it makes you nuts and it seems to attract a bazillion mosquitos and snakes and ants etc etc. We got brief storms and rain from IKE (thank God) nothing major! So right now I am just hoping that the rest of the season fades away quickly and no more hurricanes decide to visit!
I have also updated my art blog – so please feel free to check that from now on too!! FINDING MYSELF.
Again – THANKS for your kind words, notes, emails, messages, comments, caring and concern…I will take things slowly and hopefully that will keep me going and help me stay in touch without feeling overwhelmed..have a BEAUTIFUL day!!
Posted in blogging, daughter, family, personal, school
Tagged absence, COPD, depression, family, high school, hurricanes, pets, rotties, senior year
When I was growing up – I truly despised report cards. My father thought that they were the ultimate in telling him about the character of his children. He could not be bothered with homework or research or anything of that sort – just report cards (he also worked 14 hour days and some weekends – so he was not around a lot). My mother could not help with homework – english was not her first language and by the time I would have to explain everything to her…it would take too long…so I was pretty much on my own. I vowed I would always be there to help my kids if they asked, with their school work. I was always checking on homework every day…constantly communicating with their teachers about what is going on…helping them with research – the whole nine yards…so report cards are important in our house but because I was so involved with my kids – that I had to see what effort they were putting forth in school because I knew the work they were doing at home.
The boys drove me a bit nuts…different stories…excuses…just endless. However they soon learned in high school – that anything less then a “C” meant you were going to have privileges taken away. That was a great motivational tool in our house. Well Crystalyn just started high school when the boys graduated – so I had to start over…she has been so borderline – I was really worrying about her. She did the work – but she is a no go on exams..just could not connect the dots – sort of speak. Her reports and research and such always got her A’s but anything like tests and I could not figure out what was happening. She has tested me the most. Well now it is Senior Year…it is do or die sort of year. You either make it or you don’t. No More Excuses – time to get so serious you scare yourself!
Well something has snapped in the child….in her 6 finals that she had taken two weeks ago – she got 5 “A’s” and 1 “B” – OMG – I am so thrilled…your final grades for those classes were “A’s” and “B’s” and a “C” – I am tickled pink!!! She was flying on cloud nine on Friday when she brought home her report card…she said she is going to frame it and hang it up…I would too! I am so proud of her progress…so proud that she found her niche…(BTW – the “C” was in aerobics – the teacher just clashed with Crystalyn – kept threatening to fail her because she was a senior and needed her class to graduate – Crystalyn does not respond well to threats at all)
So Now with only two more semesters left until graduation – she can see the light – now she is so into applying for the community college – (one of her teachers – that has taken a personal interest in her – which is a good thing – he teaches in the field she is interested in) suggested to her to go to the community college and get all the basics and foundation out of the way (and cheaper) and you walk away with an Associate’s degree in the basic of your field…it is also MUCH easier to get into a major university here if you are a transfer…so she is going for it. Before she was only interested in some design trade school (no transferable credits) so he tried to steer her away from that thinking.
She wants to work in digital designing – 3-D graphics – multi media art….well she has had this teacher all 4 years of high school. (he also had my boys for computer classes)..but he has gone beyond for her. That is because he sees SO MUCH POTENTIAL in her – I think he thinks she is his prodigy. So for the next two semesters – he has set up a computer in his classroom just for her with special programs to get her a bit of a start in the field – to learn the basics – so that she has a bit of a taste of the world she is setting out for. I am so thrilled for her – he has met my hunnie during open house and they spoke for hours about football and gator hunting and such (he is a country boy at heart) – and he really thinks Crystalyn has a very special talent for the field. She is so excited – and just beaming from ear to ear – about what is ahead…
Yes it is report card time – and it is wonderful!!!
I am always telling my daughter that what she feeds her eyes and ears with, fills your mind, heart and soul. I was never taught that – just knew it for some reason…and I totally believe it! She loves deep horror flicks, movies that question and doubt faith, music with some crazy messages…typical teenage stuff…but I keep trying to redirect her focus away from certain things…because all that negative feed into her being eventually (I believe) comes out of you in some way, shape or form.
Well, this morning I came upon this article that kind of touches on the subject and thought I would post it here…hope it encourages or perhaps help bring light to others:
Feed Yourself Good Things
By Robert H. Schuller
If you want something worthwhile to come out of your mind, you have to put something worthwhile into it. Cultivate the discriminatory art. Does this television program, this book, this conversation, inspire me? Or does it depress me? Does it help me want to be a better person, or is it neutral and unstimulating? Does it evoke the positive emotions of love, faith, hope, and joy, or the negative emotions of hate, disbelief, fear, and misery? Am I feeding my mind a diet that will calm, challenge, uplift, or inject determination to go out and win?
Stop listening to those Impossibility Thinkers who tell you how wrong you are – how impossible your idea is.
As much as possible, exposure yourself to what’s positive. Go to the library and find books that teach you more on the art of being a Possibility Thinker. There are many.
It’s your choice.
Right thinking determines right direction.
Have a GREAT tuesday and Thanks for stopping by
Have not had much energy lately to do much writing…especially in my blogs…I have kept up with my art blog (FINDING MYSELF) because it is a promise/committment I made to myself to do this year. I guess I have been feeling sorry for myself lately because I am tired of being sick and tired…
Let me backtrack for a minute here – In 2000 I had gotten sick (lung infections, pneumonia and all that fun stuff) for the umpteenth time…well in august it would be the last time I would work. I was diagnosed with COPD – my lungs are permanently damaged by black mold…yes my workplace had black mold seeping through the ceiling and walls and no matter how much I complained NOTHING WAS DONE!!
To make a very very LONG story short…through doctors and the court – I was claimed permanently and totally disabled…my life changed forever and I won a Workman’s Comp lawsuit against the state. The state has to pay me my salary with a 3.5% raise every year until my retirement age of 65. The state fought against it for two years when I first got sick…they blamed me for everything – that fight lasted two years (in the meantime – my house went into foreclosure – we had to claim bankruptcy and many other problems arose) and in the end – the day of the trial – the state had NOTHING…no argument – no fight – they just tried to delay things for as long as possible and made me go to dozens and dozens of doctors (all their choice – all paid by them) to prove me wrong – to get me to stop the lawsuit…the problem is all of their doctors agreed with me – they all found the same thing – I was dying from black mold poisoning…my lungs would never get better…and the state was totally at fault. They had private investigators following me for 6 of those months – they only thing they got on tape was me walking with a cane VERY SLOWLY (because the drugs have eaten away at the calcium in my bones and now I fall very easily) and using oxygen (as prescribed by my doctor and theirs)…the tapes went against them…usually in this state – it takes 2-4 weeks for a judge to make a decision in W/C cases – this particular judge was so furious at the state – he made his decision right then and there – the state LOST BIG TIME…they were also fined because of certain “techniques” and such –
Yes I am thrilled I won – but at what cost….my life will never be the same – my life has been shortened – I have been severely depressed and extremely agoraphobic because I truly fear that people out there are taping me or looking to get me on something – so it is best I just stay inside my house.
I guess I am telling you all this to let you know where my head is at – to let myself know where I have been and where I am now!
So for the past two days my chest has been in pain (not my heart – my lungs) and I have been fighting headaches…so it is wearing me down as usual. So I tend to become even more introverted and I keep to myself until whatever it is goes away…sometimes the pain goes away fast – sometimes it stays for weeks and weeks…so that is where I am at today…just tired of fighting…of feeling sorry for myself…of wondering what will happen next to me. GEEZ – this is just getting old! Thanks for reading (if you are still here) – thanks for listening….
The daughter has had exams all week – today she has a half day of school and then is off until next tuesday – so it will be nice to have her home for a long weekend – maybe her and I can get creative. I have just been sleeping for about 4 days now – that is what happens when my body is fighting something…
Well I will leave you with this beautiful graphic I have come upon…and I hope you have a beautiful week and weekend!!!
Until Next Time – PEACE!!!
I have been thinking of the year ahead coming up really quick…..and decided after a few days of thought that I want to write out some goals (have never done this before) of things I want to achieve…things that I want to focus on …so here is my GOAL LIST FOR 2008:
GOALS FOR 2008
1- Create some form of ART every day – even WIP is good (at least 3 times a week is my minimum)
2- Go OUT at least once a month OUTSIDE into the real world (off our property)
3- Go OUTSIDE the house at least once a week
4- Organized arts and craft supplies – craft room
5- Take Pictures – lots of pictures – at every opportunity
6- Take time to pray – meditate – breathe – think things through
7- Open an Etsy Shop
8- Make MORE handmade gifts for Christmas 2008 (less store bought)
9- Find SOMETHING positive – a blessing – everyday – write it down (keep track)
10- Live – Love – Laugh
Of course – I will add to it if I think I am moving ahead with things in my life instead of constantly fighting an internal battle just to exist….but the above mentioned things are important right now for me….and of course my family is NOT MENTIONED because they are always my priority – I just wanted to list things that are not so obvious!
Do you have any GOALS for 2008 – I would love to hear about them…let me know.
Thanks for stopping by!