Category Archives: family

HAPPINESS OVERFLOWING

It has been a while since I wrote about things that make me happy – it has nothing to do with NOT being happy – just trying to heal myself psychologically and emotionally so that I can get back to where I used to be.

I used to LOVE going out and working on plants and gardening….used to LOVE going shopping and not really buy anything….LOVE taking pictures of nature….LOVE having people over for dinner and just fun…but for years now I barely answer the phone to talk to anyone (including family and friends) – I hide in my little computer room and that is it.

Slowly lately I have been working on creations and moving forward…little tiny baby steps…small improvements – and it feels good right now—then about 4 weeks ago – my son and his wife (he is stationed in Japan) had a baby girl….her name is Savannah Marie….My daughter in law already has a toddler from another relationship – so I am a GRANDMOTHER – and that makes me HAPPY – actually ecstatic!!!!

The picture above is of my son and his wife and “D” their toddler and the new sweetie Savannah – he has received new orders to be stationed in Georgia – only about 6-8 hours away – we are thrilled – they come home Sept 9th so we are just soo00 excited!!! For now that is what makes me HAPPY!!!

The picture of the dam is from a high school friend who took the pic of the dam in our town – i have such awesome memories of the dam – so I was thrilled to receive this pic. Again – makes me beyond HAPPY!!

I hope you are HAPPY and Thanks for stopping by!!!

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EXPLORING YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

Today in Soul Coaching it says to examine a relationship that causes an uncomfortable atmosphere/situation for myself…to change the world around me – I must start with one relationship at a time. Well this is a relationship I have not spoken about yet. I will say it is so much more complicated then how I can express it here but at least this is a start!

When I met my hunnie – I knew that I knew he was my soul mate (if you believe in that type of thing). He made me laugh, his boys made me laugh, we believed in the same things, we had the same goals, family always came first…I could go on and on…truly a match made in heaven….he met my parents – they love him – he loved them…my daughter thought he was the best dad. Well it was time to meet his family, and the rest of my family (siblings, their kids, nieces, nephews on and on). So we took a long weekend and went down south – first to meet his family. I knew as soon as I met them – there were going to be problems. His mother did NOT like the idea that I was hispanic…did not like the idea that my daughter was not being raised the way she thought was right because her grandsons were not raised that way…his mother speaks in innuendos that are accusatory. It immediately puts anyone and everyone on the defensive. My hunnie is EXTREMELY upfront – speaks his mind LOUD AND CLEAR. He really holds NOTHING back. So his mother does not push her luck with him because he will GO OFF on her. Now I am the new comer….she does not like it – because now her grandsons do not need her as a “mother” figure. They have me…She also does not do the fact that I am not “white”. I am Puerto Rican and that she associates with the illegal mexican immigrants that at the time were causing havoc in her little town. If you ever want to turn me off – ever want me to stay away from you – express how prejudice you are against other people – after I go off you will never see me again. It makes me sick.

Well – this issue has never died down – her innuendos have become more obvious…she is NOT stupid and makes it so that Allen (my hunnie) does not hear them…or does not know what she is talking about because he was not around the situation. She has played favorites, taken out her disgust for how my daughter was raised by me on my daughter. *my daughter and the boys went down to spend a week with her – they all wanted to go – I thought this would be a great way for her to get to know Crystalyn. Well the first night all the kids (including some cousins who already live down there) were all sleeping out in one room – laughing and sharing stories – chit chatting (I know this because my kids called me to tell me how much of a good time they were having doing this)…to me this is wonderful because to me it meant that everyone is getting along and they are enjoying each other’s company. Finally Crystalyn will feel like she is fitting in….well B (hunnie’s mother) does not like the idea that she can hear my daughter laughing when they were suppose to be settling down in order to go to sleep…she went in the room and HIT my kid. OMG – that PISSED me off. I have never raised a finger to my child – or my children – felt no need – I truly do not believe in that type of discipline – but this woman, who does not know me, does not know my kid…HIT her. That is unforgiveable.

I explained my disgust with this to my hunnie – we decide that the kids are NEVER going to stay with her again…and the hunnie tells his mother the reason.

Well for holidays his mother always came to our house for big dinners and get togethers…innuendos continued..her backward remarks kept going…she had a comment about everything I did or said…especially towards the boys..I always smiled and tried to move past it.

I always tried to include her in on family news and events and parties – but the innuendos – put downs – side of the mouth remarks continued. Well she has moved out of state – so the spending time here for holidays has faded…for me a relief….but the phone calls continue where her visits left off.

It is so funny how I am going through this soul coaching course and then out of the blue – yes B called me today….WOW – in my mind, for the first time, I was not going to feed into her conversation, just keep things generic, give no info, do not fall in her trap….well she tried to pull me in on her game again, trying to make me jealous by telling me about one of my sons (the one out of the army that is living in the same area she is) what he was doing, and places where he was going today, tried to get info out of me where my hunnie was and what was he doing and why he was with our daughter and so on and so forth….and when I did NOT fall into her game (for the first time) she was upset (sad upset)…because I was not giving…I decided to keep my calm and peace about me – I let everything just roll off my back….not walk into her chaos…not get involved in her drama. She said that I was being short – I told her I am busy with other things…my energy was elsewhere….and that was that – she was done because she could not rattle my world and could not interfere in it. I asked her was there a message that she wanted me to give her son and she said no so I know she called just to see what game she could play and when she could not – it flustered her. It caught her off guard.

After we hung up – it felt like a massive weight was lifted off my shoulders – for the first time in 15 years I was at peace after a conversation with her. I was still calm, my breathing was still calm, and I was able to just keep doing what it was I was doing without feeling run over. WHAT A BREAK THROUGH FOR ME!!!
I do not know if this is what today’s topic was suppose to cover – but it has helped me and it was heavy on my heart to reveal here.

This is a start to a healing for me – and it feels wonderful!
I know that the story may seem to have pieces missing but I was just trying to give you all some background on this drama so that you could understand the start of the healing!

Today – a part of my healing begins!

This is day 11 of SOUL COACHING and day 12 of NABLOPOMO!

THE MEANING I GIVE MY LIFE

Today in soul coaching we are suppose to look at those turning points we wrote about yesterday and talk about what meaning they have given our lives. HMMMmm…at least the more pivotal points in our journey of life…Now I can think of about 5 of those…but as I have been thinking of those times and how I felt and the events surrounding them – I can honestly say that some events I am still NOT over. I still have not figured out the meaning behind – and turning it positive – or something I have grown from is NOT possible for me right now!

I remember the events surrounding my brother’s death. I was 12 at the time – it was jan 1973…I remember it being cold outside – I remember my father coming home and whispering to my mom – I remember my dad breaking the news to me – the vision that popped in my head was a river with strong currents (like the east river or hudson river in NY) going by and a bridge far atop…I remember thinking who would want to kill my brother – he was so big and strong and had protected me before – there was no way someone could hurt him. I was never told the actual circumstances of his death until I was out of high school.
I remember the wake being a week long (later to find out – because the police were investigating and family were still coming in). I remember my father always asking where I was wanting me close to him ( I have several other siblings who were not sitting next to him – that he did not ask for)…Looking back – I know my dad was scared – scared he would lose me (we have always been extremely tight), every thing he said to me about my brother was well rehearsed so that I would be protected from the truth and feeling hurt ( I thought my brother was a true superman). I remember seeing the hurt in my father’s eyes…to me – that is the one thing you NEVER want to see – NEVER want to experience – it breaks your heart…as I sit here and think about it – I feel the tears welling up in my eyes – because I never wanted my dad to hurt. He was my strength and seeing the hurt means someone or something broke his spirit. (to me).

I remember us going to the actual burial and my dad covering my eyes before getting to the cemetery – so i would not know where he was buried – The reason is – the police suspected that if family were to come to the cemetery on their own without all the police escort – that this gang would go after family members. I remember my dad truly never wanting to talk about it again! You know the saying that you live through your child’s life – their success is your success – well my dad felt like a failure. His world came crashing down and he did not know how to handle it all. So he just did not talk about it anymore after my brother was buried.

This was a pivotal point in my life – I saw the strongest man I knew – be crushed emotionally yet he was worried about protecting me…I saw him regain his strength in silence – I saw the hurt in his eyes – and it broke my heart – so I just held him, hugged him…and sat in silence with him.

This turning point strengthened the bond between my dad and myself – no words needed – there was unconditional love and healing in silence. He made me realize there is strength in family. His protecting me was not because he did not want me to know (he knew eventually I would find out the truth), but to protect me from hurt and pain – not that I was not capable of understanding it all, but if I had known – a part of my childhood would have been lost, along with my ideas and such of my brother.

This is my day 9 of SOUL COACHING and day 10 of NABLOPOMO!

Hello My Ever Growing World!

Life has been hectic. It’s been down right crazy.

But I don’t think I’d change it for anything.

Okay so I’d change one detail but that’s because it shouldn’t have happened.

Lets start in March shall we? March was Grad Bash. That was, awesome.

In April.. lord. It shouldn’t have happened. But as mom already said, we lost Thor.

And Ginger just months later.

Also in April, just days after Thor left us, Prom arrived. I didn’t want to go. I just lost such an important member of my family and now I was forced to go out and celebrate being a senior. With all the pressure from my friends I finally caved and went. It was fun.

I’m the monkey in the middle.

And finally May. Graduation. We went. We Saw. I totally ruled. As soon as I walked across that stage, took my grad. pictures and heard all my congrats I busted out with the parental units and left. Woo! It was Mission Accomplished. Not impossible.

The summer was difficult. I lost a friend of mine. Jimmy Pierce. RIP.

During the school year I also lost another friend, Courtney. RIP.

Now I am in college. Yay. Its okay, really boring though. Its all prereq classes. Which sucks. So therefore its boring. Now moms back on the saddle with her blogs and groups and Im happy for her.

She needs to have some spice in her life. Woo!

Any who, ya’ll take care and have a good day cause thats muh post.

Rock on,

-The Daughter.

I AM BACK

WOW – I cannot believe I have been gone for so long. I really did not mean to be gone for so long – for that I truly apologize. I think that absence was the worst for me fighting COPD and depression…I gave into it all – but now I am on the road to recovery – I am fighting the “demons” (sort of speak) and taking things one step at a time – one moment at a time – THANKS for being so patient and for your caring messages – it has all given me strength. Well now that I have blubbered off – on to the news….

First and foremost – I have quit smoking – I mentioned this bit of news on my art blog but I cannot help but mention it again..I have smoked for about 30 years…yes I know it is a nasty habit – and no it is NOT responsible for my COPD – (did not help it tho) but for me – (at least in my head) it helped to relieve stress. However one morning I woke up (jan 25th) and the desire to smoke was GONE–yes I tell you totally gone!! I have not looked back – have no cravings for it – (never had any) I AM FINALLY FREE. I have no explanation – maybe my inner spirit got tired of being contaminated by my outer weakness.LOL.
My hunnie was so inspired he also quit two months later and has not looked back. We figure to be saving about $140 a month – YAYAYAY!!

Well my daughter was in her senior year of high school and the second half of the year became extremely busy and expensive and tons of running around!! Between finishing up all requirements for graduation – there was grad bash -(seniors going to celebrate a night at Universal Studios and such), Senior breakfast, PROM -omg – that is a money rip off for young people, finals, and the insane graduation. I will just say that one of my greatest joys was watching my daughter receive her diploma – we were at a ENORMOUS arena (where the NBA plays) so we had to watch her get it on a huge prompter – but it was GLORIOUS!!!


We had some sad moments – one of my daughter’s dogs had to be put down – he suffered from blocked kidneys and a malfunctioning bladder – we were all for surgery to help him but as soon as they gave him a relaxer he passed on – once he felt no pain – he was able to let go. It broke her heart…broke all our hearts – he was beautiful!
Then our very first rottie that started off our zoo – passed away from old age – She was just short of 15 years old (which is very old for a rottie) but she lived a full and energetic life…we were blessed to have had her…just passed away in her sleep – my hunnie rubbed her head until she feel asleep for the last and final time!

If you have been reading my blogs for a time – you might know that my parents about two years ago moved down closer to my siblings because my brother owns a duplex that my parents can live in for free – WELL I am slowly finding out that my parents’s health is declining – I was born and raised in NY – lived there until I was 27 when I decided to move to Florida to live closer to my parents (who retired here) and my siblings…I mention this because my parents have no memories of NY – my father says that he has never lived in NY..
Both my parents are requiring A LOT of care – my brother has been trying to talk to them about living in an senior citizens apartment building where there are others their age, companionship, nurse always on call and individual apartments, activities etc…my father says that those places are insane asylumns, and my mother says that old people only go there when their family does not want them…so my brother has his hands full. My brother took them both to the doctors and had MRIs done of their brains and they are both suffering from dementia…not good!!! The story of my brother is too long to go into – I will save that drama for another time!

I have NOT gone out at all really – I made it to my doctor’s appointment, which is another long story I will save for another time….I manage to go to the graduation (which I am so grateful for)..but Other then that – I am a total recluse. I know that not going out only contributes to my depression BUT – knowing that and trying to change that are two different worlds for me!

Okay – the last thing that made me nuts and kept me away is my computer – I was having some problems with it before I disappeared…(lots of error messages showing up) but it took me what seemed forever to save what I could on to a new external hard drive that my hunnie got me – it seemed like my old computer did not want me to transfer ANYTHING….GEEZ – and then it happened – my puter gave up the ghost – OMG – I was devasted because I did not get to save any of my links or email addresses or addresses to any of the blogs I was reading – it has taken me about 6 weeks now to finally get in touch with the majority of the people I was in touch with…SO my point is if you would like to exchange links to each other’s blogs PLEASE let me know – and if we were in touch before I crashed or now – and you would like to continue or start staying in touch – please leave me a note –and then somehow I will get my email address out to you~! The good news in all this – is that my daughter bought me a NEW COMPUTER…it is beautiful and fast and fast and beautiful – I am BLESSED…so now I am playing catch up…LOL

As a side note – yes we are living day to day over hurricanes…FAY flooded out the state of Florida! We are BLESSED because our property is built up a bit so we did not get water in the house but our ditches and street and back yard were under water – nothing like what you might have seen on TV but enough that it makes you nuts and it seems to attract a bazillion mosquitos and snakes and ants etc etc. We got brief storms and rain from IKE (thank God) nothing major! So right now I am just hoping that the rest of the season fades away quickly and no more hurricanes decide to visit!

I have also updated my art blog – so please feel free to check that from now on too!! FINDING MYSELF.

Again – THANKS for your kind words, notes, emails, messages, comments, caring and concern…I will take things slowly and hopefully that will keep me going and help me stay in touch without feeling overwhelmed..have a BEAUTIFUL day!!

GETTING BACK TO THE NORMAL LIFE

WOW – the holidays are over…..New Year’s Celebrations have died down…and now going back to everyday life is upon everyone!!! School does not start up here until next week..so the daughter is still off just lazing around the house…I really wanted her to redo her room but that has been an unending losing battle! She is 18 and even tho she still lives under “our roof” her room is her business…and if she likes the mess then more power to her I guess.

We have really been up to NOTHING!!! I am pursuing my goals in art…creating something everyday and taking a photo a day project….check out my art blog (FINDING MYSELF) for that info…but have gotten nothing else accomplished. The weather took us for a loop this week….we went from the high 70’s and 80’s to 28 degrees today. OMG can you say we do not even own a coat!!!! I love the cold weather because I can breathe so much more easier….having to fight a lung disease – the cool weather brings comfort…but no coats…and we do not have central heating (our central AC/heat stopped working when we first moved in and never had the money to fix ita couple of thousand dollars does not come easy). But tomorrow the weather should be warming up to the 60’s which is nice and cool for us yet not cold enough for coats.

All is well with the boys…have heard from them pretty much every day (which is wonderful). One son is getting out of the army (I think I mentioned that already) he has his time in…he is just not army material…so now he will pursue other ventures. I think he is happy it is over for him. The son in Japan has been homesick over the holidays…but he is good…and being able to stay in touch with us has helped him get through the down times…but he is busy so that helps too!

Besides my goals for the new year – I have chosen to find a word and live the word..use it as my personal motto – my mantra…it is PEACE!!! I have been using that word when I sign off or when I end a letter or something…but this year I want to truly make a conscious effort to live the word…breathe the word….have that PEACE surround my life and in my life…at least that is my goal!!!

I think I have caught up on news…nothing new…but a New Year to try New Things and Start Fresh. Do you have any goals for the New Year? If you wanted – what word would you chose to be your mantra?

Until Next Time ….. PEACE!!!

THE NEW YEAR IS JUST ABOUT HERE

WOW – the end of the year is just about here…truly – the year has flown by for me. I cannot believe it is going to be 2008…this just blows my mind for some reason!
Anyway – Christmas was absolutely BEAUTIFUL here. I think everyone was spoiled. Allen received cordless tools from Crystalyn and I which he has been dreaming about for quite some time. He also received all kinds of other little tidbits…and loved it all. Crystalyn was quite spoiled to say the least…a digital camera, a camcorder, several books of fantasy that you touch them and they have different textures and stories about certain subjects and hidden compartments…they are very cool….,beautiful jewelry, beautiful wand (which she has always wanted) (she is very much into fantasy things), and other assorted goodies that brought a huge smile on her face for hours and hours….(patting myself on the back for doing good this year)…and I was definitely spoiled…received a collector’s Gators helmet (love it), angel stuffies galore, and my daughter bought me a star….there is a star registry that she bought a star and named it Joshua Jaye…(I know it is all promotional and such because no one can own a star) but it is the ultimate in a gift..along with the star – she bought me this high tech telescope that hooks up to your computer and you can take pictures of the stars and upload them and print them out…WOW…finally watching and taking pictures of the stars – how so very AWESOME…I just cried…it is the best of the best. My girlfriend sent me a package loaded with fantastic goodies…I was just stunned….just amazing!!! It was all just so perfect!

So Christmas was beautiful….we ate and ate and ate – we had a huge Turkey dinner with all the trimmings just like Thanksgiving….it was WONDERFUL…we were so stuff, we could not move for hours…(that is the best kind of meal). Both our sons called so that was wonderful.

We have been just relaxing ever since…enjoying the stress free time together and vegging out. I have, of course, been watching every football game (including bowl games) that I can possible find. It really has been a fun football season.

I have continued to create at my art blog (FINDING MYSELF). I think I am officially hooked on creating Kaleidoscope images…it has been colorful, and has given me a lot of instant gratification which is always good.

Now our celebration is not over…I also celebrate “Three Kings Day”. I was brought up celebrating it…putting a box of hay and a bowl of water under your bed on the night of the fifth of January to feed the camels of the Three Wise Men on their Journey to see the Baby Jesus. So we continually send out any more cards to those that we may have forgotten or not had time – we keep sending out packages to family and friends that we were not around with during the holidays and such. After the 6th is when all the decorations come down and life moves on. We also have a special meal on the 6th…usually a pork roast and lots of stuffies to go with that. I just love Tradition.

I think I have pretty much caught up on news…If I do not get a chance to get an entry done before hand…I want to wish you all a very BLESSED and PROSPEROUS New Year.
My Wish For You For 2008:

May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts. May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet of $100 bills. May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips! May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires and may happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy. May the problems you had forget your home address! In simple words …………

May 2008 be the best year of your life!!! Until 2009, 2010, 2011..

Until Next Time …… PEACE!!!