Category Archives: blogging


Today starts EARTH WEEK….I look forward to what lies ahead – I am so fascinated by the earth – the flowers, trees, mountains, the smells, the oceans…just fantastic…

Today we are suppose to think about taking care of ourselves – our bodies…well since I am engulfed in doctors and medications – I am skipping the go to a doctor part and get a physical – and going right to giving up something to better your health.

I am cheating on this – because I have already given it up – but I wanted to mention it here because I think if other people who smoke see it – they will feel like maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel. In January of this year….I just dropped out of sight from every one and everything – (except of course my hunnie and daughter)…I was just NOT feeling well at all….my body was sending me signals – and it was scaring me.

So I took care of me – got TONS of rest. Only ate what my body REALLY wanted. (mostly just soup or just toast or a bagel – very light). Well that lasted for a week maybe more and then one day I just woke up and thought to myself that I just did not want to smoke a cigarette anymore…not because of my lungs, or because I was in pain (I was not at the time), just because the desire left me. I just did not want one more cigarette. I have been smoking since I was 17. Never thought I would give it up…I always said to myself that It was the only vice I had – so to me that was great. So I STOPPED…as the saying goes COLD TURKEY. I did not tell my family I stopped – they just assumed they had not seen me smoke because I was not feeling well and sleeping alot….I wanted to get a week or two under my belt. Well my hunnie turned around one day and asked if I needed cigarettes – he was going to the store…that is when I broke the news to him…his eyes got huge and he screamed YES…that is GREAT!!!!!

After that moment he would not leave his cigarettes around for temptation…and no matter what he would not buy me any more and did not even talk about it to me. Well he watched me – to see if I smoked – to see if I asked him for cigarettes – etc – and then in early April I think – he just QUIT smoking! He announced that it had been a few days since he has had one….WOW – could not believe it – I was so thrilled for him.

So now we are both NON SMOKERS and it has been wonderful!!! He gave it up because I could – he said I inspired him – now how cool is that!! It shocked our kids beyond anything – my daughter knew it to be true because she still lives at home but our boys had to see it for themselves. (they both smoke – they blame it on the army life – because of the stress and lack of anything else)…so now they know they cannot smoke in our house and that definitely has them confused…lol

Truthfully I think quitting is the greatest gift I could give myself…it is a relief – and a new found freedom!
So yes it is a bit of cheating for today’s exercise – but It really had such an impact on me – that I wanted to share it for Earth Week. i also wanted to relay that I never realized until this past January that you can really listen to your body and it will tell you what it wants and needs….a year ago you could not convince me of that…I find it all interesting!

Today – I will listen more to my body and rejoice in it getting better!!

Today is day 22 of SOUL COACHING and day 23 of NABLOPOMO.



Today in Soul Coaching – one of the exercises is to create a collage that shows what prosperity really means to you…to show it…because money alone does not make a person properous or wealthy…..Creating something is so much more easier for me then to type out just to explain me…so this one is up my alley!

Well the only thing (and the BEST THING) that popped into my head – was my kids – they make me rich beyond anything that money could give. As I have said more times then I can remember – my kids make my heart complete…without them – I would not be the person I am today. I also know there would be a void in my life longing to be filled. I truly did not know what total bliss was until I had my kids. Seeing the world through their eyes…experiencing life with them, through them, beside them, has made me the richest person I know!

So My collage was the most recent picture of my kids the last time we were all together (this past june)…and then digitally adding words that add to my prosperity without needing a penny. As you can see the greatest of all – the most important of all is LOVE! All of those terms – have made me rich and enriched…full of all I could ever want. When I was growing up – I thought money and fame were important and the only things that you make you weathy but I was so wrong. I have had lots of money – have had no money – have had no kids – have three kids…and my kids are my riches.

As I have said before – the greatest joy from them is hearing “I Love You Mom” OMG – just melts my heart away…now that is priceless…

Today I will THANK GOD for all my riches – my KIDS – and that will always be enough~!~

Today is the LAST DAY of fire week….this past week has made me feel better then the other two..I feel like I have discovered more about me this past week…one more week of discovery left…EARTH is next!

Today is day 21 of SOUL COACHING and day 22 of NABLOPOMO!!!


***I just wanted to mention something about yesterday’s entry about dying….I am deeply touched by the beautiful comments that people have left me – I wish I felt as strong as you all wrote….I am not that “strong” on a daily basis….there are many days that I am scared out of my mind – terrified really and all I can do is cry…but yesterday – I wrote how I felt yesterday – for the moment and I Thank you all for making me feel more then what I was feeling myself***

Today’s SOUL COACHING chapter is about random acts of kindness…it could be in any form….as little as a smile or as major as paying a bill. Now I love this topic because my hunnie and I have done this many times – and it all started because someone did it for us…so we have gone through drive thrus and paid for coffee for behind us and/or doughnuts (we do not have a starbucks but we have dunkin dougnuts)..or we leave all the change at convenient stores so that someone else can use it in case they do not have it.

These little things really make me feel wonderful…especially when I was out there going to the stores and all. Now I have had to change tactics a bit…..Usually when I get on the phone with companies that I have to pay bills at or whatever – like the electric company – I make a great effort to make the customer service person laugh – giggle – whatever!!! Makes me feel great – because I am sure that people who have called in about their bills and such – some may not have been as nice or not patient and have taken their frustrations out on the person….but since I cannot see them in person – I do try to make them laugh – I have found a few times – that someone who has started off in a nasty mood when they got to me on the phone – hung up afterwards laughing or wishing me a happy day or whatever – you can just tell from the sound of their voice that they are a tiny bit better since you spoke to them….how great!!!!

I think it is a very empowering feeling – that such simple acts like a smile or a chuckle can transform someone’s day – it rings true that it is just like the butterfly effect in some ways – to me – it makes me feel like your heart can grow from it!

I will say that I owe wanting to make others smile or laugh from my hunnie. He has a GREAT sense of humor – he loves loves loves to make others laugh – make them feel at ease – it is just so natural of him…so I have taken those cues from him…a bit of his style – and that is why I can do it now – just by his actions he has taught me something wonderful!!! I also think – my daughter has gotten that from him – she has a wild sense of humor and LOVES to make friends and those around her laugh – just being goofy – she feels it makes people just plain feel good and to forget, even for a little while – the test they were worried about or all the homework or the craziness at home or whatever – so I think my hunnie has been contagious that way…LOL

Today – I will smile – I will giggle – and things will be brighter!!

Today is day 20 for SOUL COACHING and day 21 for NABLOPOMO.


This is a topic – that I have studied when in college and I have had to come to terms with in my own life.
Facing Death – that is a term that I did not think I would even have to deal with until I felt I was old. But since I have been diagnosed with a chronic terminal disease – it is something that has slapped me right in the face….that “fate” has decided it was time I come face to face with it. Katherin Kubler-Ross believes that there are 5 stages to death…5 stages you go through – well I think I have gone through all 5 several times…You would think that once I got to acceptance (the final stage) that that would be the end…but nope – especially if your mind is fighting it. The only reason I know my mind fights it is because of the unknown…no one really knows what comes after death….do not get me wrong…I believe in a heaven…that a new life is lead there – but not knowing everything about it – has me in a panic…however there are other days that I am truly ready.

Now my daughter is NOT ready for me to go…I totally understand that….my sons seem not to deal with it until they will be faced with it – I totally understand that also. Allen – well he just tries to change the subject or make me laugh or take my mind off of things because it TERRIFIES him that I will die on him…I know this also. Death seems to have such a strange reaction from each and every person…you can never really say this is it and create a template for it….but for me – today – I am ready….there is a quote from a Indiana Jones movie that of course was just a movie but the quote has always stayed with me…“I am prepared to die, are you?”.  That quote that Denise uses in the chapter of “It is a good day to die” is very familiar to me – we have indian in my family – so I have known that quote all my life….they all mean the same thing – I am prepared to die….I know I am going to a place where I will no longer be in pain–that I will be surrounded by those I love that have gone before me….but not knowing what will happen past that is scary.

I have found that the more I am accepting of death – the more precious life becomes – at first you would not think that it would happen like that – but it does – Knowing that I am not going to live a long old life – only makes me appreciate every moment I have with my family. Of course I am so NOT perfect in this area and there are days I wake up in a total panic over it and I cry over it – but then there are the days – that I am in so much pain – that I just feel exhausted and I want to go “home”. There are days that I just accept it because there is nothing I can do about it…it just depends where my head is at and what is going on I suppose.

I took a class called death and dying when I was in college – one of the professors was dying of cancer – it was quite the experience – but in that class – after doing the excercises and meditations and all that – the professors said that I understood the most about death and dying…they said I was a natural to teach it if I ever wanted – and now look were it is serving me…fate – hmmmmm – how strange! I know I have rambled on – but I hope you all get my meaning.

So to answer Denise’s question – yes I am ready to face my death – more than yesterday and less than tomorrow – and as I do that – life has become so very precious to me – the moments mean more- what is said means more – what you do with your time means more – I believe that life just gets us ready for Death..

Here is a quote that I wanted to share that is my mantra most of the time….

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up,
totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming–
WOW–What A Ride!

Today – I am embracing my life – so my death will have meaning!!

Today is day 19 for SOUL COACHING and day 20 for NABLOPOMO.


I found this exercise to be easy…..After all the garbage of health issues I have been through and all the struggles that have come along with it….living in the moment…counting my blessings at the end of the day is something I already do in some form. I have to count my blessings – it is what keeps me grounded. It makes the worrying less,  and makes the reality of what is good in my life stay in the forefront.

I think when you are fighting a chronic/terminal illness…you tend to look at the gloom and doom so easily. At least it comes so easily – so trying to stay positive is an every day struggle. Actually for me it was an every moment struggle. However, since the beginning of the summer – it seems that I am able to focus on my blessings more. I have also started writing about my blessings every thursday in my regular every day blog. (The Crazy Life).

So for today – these are the blessings that I am so thankful for that happened today:

  • my hunnie and daughter let me sleep – I mean really sleep..they did everything to make sure nothing would wake me up…now that is LOVE!
  • my hunnie and daughter brought home lunch….I was so hungry…and it was so good…they even brought me a surprise – eggnog shake – yummo!
  • my dogs slept all around me, on the floor, at my feet, on my legs, and kept me warm
  • I did not wake up with a headache
  • the cool weather – only in the high 40’s and perfect for breathing
  • for feeling good enough today to do some digital painting
  • for laughing – just laughing
  • for mountain dew and eating good food

Those are the blessings I noticed today….just wonderful – and all make me feel alive!
Today – I am BLESSED~!~

Today is day 18 of SOUL COACHING and day 19 of NABLOPOMO.


Today’s topic in SOUL COACHING is Facing The Shadow. Facing that deep part of us that we do not like so much and we seem to reflect it on others. The good part is that I have recognized this in myself for a long time…so there is no mystery for me. My shadow is NOT a stranger at all.

My shadow is my fluctuating frustration level. Days that I become nit picky, that everything bothers me or annoys me. There are days that I seem to let things just roll off my back and not think anything about it. Then there are days that I get so easily frustrated/annoyed at every little thing around me and every little thing my family is doing or saying or whatever. (also total strangers – but I do not go out a lot)

I have come to realize that this shadow shows up when I am so frustrated in myself not being able to do the things I used to do for myself and around me…and now I HAVE TO let others do it…or rely on others to do it. Of course they are not going to do all things the same way I did, or at a pace I would….and that drives that shadow in me crazy – SOMETIMES! Most of the time I am so appreciative of all that my family does and all…but for some reason in the middle of me feeling totally incompetent and useless – this shadow rears its’ ugly head and just explodes. It only makes my head hurt…my mouth works over time ….. and my stomach winds up in knots because I have gotten myself crazy over it all.

That is when (after a while, and stepping away from the situation and taking a few breathes and giving myself some time to think over what I said or did) I ALWAYS come back and apologize, fix things, explain, and we all just move on. My family (THANK GOD) is quite used to this frustration level of mine – and tho we are all trying to work with it…sometimes I let it take over my life and step forward to lead.

I used to deny these actions of the shadow for a long time – but I can say that I do face them….I do look at them head on…and I am able to deal with it and prevent some negative patterns from taking over.

Today – I will lead and NOT follow like a shadow!

This is day 17 of SOUL COACHING and day 18 of NABLOPOMO.


I like today’s chapter of Soul Coaching – it is taking risks – but one of the exercises is to have fun!!
Just so happens that yesterday and today’s mornings – early – when everyone else is asleep – I have been having some fun – just in my little corner. I have put on my mp3 player ear plugs – cranked up the sound and sang out loud along to some of my favorite tunes….I even bounced around in my little chair.

It kept my feet tapping, butt jiggling…singing out of tune me – HAPPY! I love having some time to myself to just have some silly fun…where I will not bother anyone, and no one has to hear my off tune singing! When I get in these silly moods – It seems I can blog easier, create easier, put together ideas easier. Maybe because my mind is not engulfed in worry or negative patterns…and it is feeling free and then everything just flows. When my kids were growing up – I used to put on my meatloaf CD (Bat Out Of Hell) and crank up the tunes – and the kids and I used to scream sing to it all – we would laugh…and see who would remember all the words to the songs we played…and who could “air drum” and “air piano” to it all right along with the beat. I used to LOVE doing that with them…and to this day…if my kids are around and they hear the song Paradise By The Dashboard Lights come on – they come running into the puter room and start singing along…like it is just a natural thing to do.

So when I am by myself – scream singing during the late night hours…jiggling my butt….playing the “air drums” – those times spent with my kids – pop into my mind and all I can do is LAUGH…it immediately lifts my spirits…makes everything seem okay for the moment.

Today – I will feel WONDERFUL scream singing for fun~!~

This is my day 16 of SOUL COACHING and day 17 of NABLOPOMO!!