This is a topic – that I have studied when in college and I have had to come to terms with in my own life.
Facing Death – that is a term that I did not think I would even have to deal with until I felt I was old. But since I have been diagnosed with a chronic terminal disease – it is something that has slapped me right in the face….that “fate” has decided it was time I come face to face with it. Katherin Kubler-Ross believes that there are 5 stages to death…5 stages you go through – well I think I have gone through all 5 several times…You would think that once I got to acceptance (the final stage) that that would be the end…but nope – especially if your mind is fighting it. The only reason I know my mind fights it is because of the unknown…no one really knows what comes after death….do not get me wrong…I believe in a heaven…that a new life is lead there – but not knowing everything about it – has me in a panic…however there are other days that I am truly ready.
Now my daughter is NOT ready for me to go…I totally understand that….my sons seem not to deal with it until they will be faced with it – I totally understand that also. Allen – well he just tries to change the subject or make me laugh or take my mind off of things because it TERRIFIES him that I will die on him…I know this also. Death seems to have such a strange reaction from each and every person…you can never really say this is it and create a template for it….but for me – today – I am ready….there is a quote from a Indiana Jones movie that of course was just a movie but the quote has always stayed with me…“I am prepared to die, are you?”. That quote that Denise uses in the chapter of “It is a good day to die” is very familiar to me – we have indian in my family – so I have known that quote all my life….they all mean the same thing – I am prepared to die….I know I am going to a place where I will no longer be in pain–that I will be surrounded by those I love that have gone before me….but not knowing what will happen past that is scary.
I have found that the more I am accepting of death – the more precious life becomes – at first you would not think that it would happen like that – but it does – Knowing that I am not going to live a long old life – only makes me appreciate every moment I have with my family. Of course I am so NOT perfect in this area and there are days I wake up in a total panic over it and I cry over it – but then there are the days – that I am in so much pain – that I just feel exhausted and I want to go “home”. There are days that I just accept it because there is nothing I can do about it…it just depends where my head is at and what is going on I suppose.
I took a class called death and dying when I was in college – one of the professors was dying of cancer – it was quite the experience – but in that class – after doing the excercises and meditations and all that – the professors said that I understood the most about death and dying…they said I was a natural to teach it if I ever wanted – and now look were it is serving me…fate – hmmmmm – how strange! I know I have rambled on – but I hope you all get my meaning.
So to answer Denise’s question – yes I am ready to face my death – more than yesterday and less than tomorrow – and as I do that – life has become so very precious to me – the moments mean more- what is said means more – what you do with your time means more – I believe that life just gets us ready for Death..
Here is a quote that I wanted to share that is my mantra most of the time….
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up,
totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming–
WOW–What A Ride!
Today – I am embracing my life – so my death will have meaning!!
Today is day 19 for SOUL COACHING and day 20 for NABLOPOMO.