Today is the last day of water week in SOUL COACHING…this week (to me) flew by faster then the first week.
Today is a day of forgiveness of pivotal points in our past that were not so positive…well to be honest – I am so NOT there yet – and since I am a very real down to earth type of person – I am not going to lie/fib just for the sake of this class to say that yes there was some good coming out of the fact that my brother was murdered or my son died of SIDS…that ain’t happening! I can say that those events definitely made me grow – made me stronger – but to say that positive feelings or acceptance came out of them – NO NO NO!! I guess as long as I feel that way – I will not totally walk away from my past – okay – fine with me!!
There is a quote that is used for today – “Who I am is enough, just as I am.” – Well I can take issue with that statement!! When I was working – I truly was quite proud of all that I had accomplished – and I also knew that I could easily move forward and upward – there were some possibilities really sparking up that I knew if I just waited – I would hit pay dirt (sort of speak)… Who I was back then was definitely enough – it was wonderful. THEN I became ill – my health could not longer be ignore – my working career ended abruptly. My life that was always on the move – going crazy with my kids, constant energy in motion, doing, creating, traveling, going out on weekends doing things with the family, even just going to the beach to hang out for a bit – ended!!
It seemed like I was crashing – and crashing hard! What I perceived as a fun exciting normal life was taken away from me. All of a sudden I was on a oxygen machine, taking 12 medications a day, using a breathing machine (nebulizer) 4 times a day, and just moving from one room to another made me so winded that I could not do things I wanted to do. Going out caused problems because then pain set in and we would have to shorten our plans, I could not even do every day things for myself anymore. Grocery shopping (or any shopping) was impossible because I would be totally out of breath and exhausted by the time we got from the car to the store. Every joint was inflamed with an infection (so they think) that could not be found or controlled- I was breaking out in huge sores all over my body, my finger nails fell off like butter, my hands peeled for a year, my eye sight diminshed. What started out as severe breathing incident – took my body through hell. I could not walk around the stores anymore – too overwhelming for me. The pain or panic of not breathing would hit me any time, any where, and just effect everything about me and my surroundings and who I was with. Then seeing several doctors and kinds of doctors, lawyers, all kinds of appointments…I was sueing the state for covering up a health hazard instead of just taking care of it. After two years of the insanity and having no paycheck (the lawsuit was with workman’s comp) I won the lawsuit – but I was NEVER the same! By the time I had won the suit – we were in foreclosure – Allen had to go claime bandruptsy…our credit cards were maxed out – because I was not bringing in a salary. HONESTLY – the state thoughts that if they kept me hanging long enough that I would give up and they would not have to do anything….at the actual hearing – the judge was shocked at the lack of anything from the state – they had over two years to gather evidence – (to have kept this case lingering for over two years)..and when my side proceeded with the evidence – the state thought that as usual the judge would take another 2-6 months to come up with a decision on the case….(that is the norm) but – after the presentation and questioning from both sides – the judge sent us all out and said to give him a couple of minutes (very unusual move) and then the lawyers were called in – and then me – the verdict – I WON!!!! The state was shocked – no judge just jumps on a decision – he was fuming about my condition and how much it deteriorated and the state dragging its’ feet on this with NOTHING in their case…Not even the state’s own doctor would side with them – he sided with me (which blew their case out of the water), their specialist and my specialist both agreed that if someone did not give me constant care NOW I would be dead very soon – the deterioation (with my lungs) can be stopped but the damage cannot be fixed – so my time here has been shortened.
Winning was sweet but I am no longer the person I was….and truly I did not feel I was enough at all anymore! Everything that I thought was important for me to do and be was taken from me. I could not even do for my family – it was a night mare. All of that took an emotional toll on me – and I fell deeper and deeper into a severe depression that I have yet to see light of day. My being enough then was being what I used to be…and it has taken me a very long time to LET GO of that thinking and accepting a peace with who I am today is enough. There are days that it is still difficult for me to come to terms with – but I am A LOT further today with that philosophy then I was even just six months ago…I also have noticed I have stopped crying over that. I still cry over dumb things or things my mind tries to blow up into something it is not, but I do not shed tears over what I used to be – that today I am enough!
Today I like who I am, I am enough for me and my family…I am me – and that is enough!!
Today was day 14 of SOUL COACHING and day 15 of NABLOPOMO!