Before I get to today’s entry – I believe Sweet Jamie left me a question about what would I pray for it if I was praying for me – what would I ask for…I have prayed this many times- to be the person I was before I became so sick. I was not as heavy (steroid meds tend to pile on the pounds), I was not afraid to leave my house, I was so much more sociable, I used to get out and do things, do things around my house, go motorcycle riding with my hunnie, used to A LOT of things. Then I am reminded so easily how much pain I am in, I cannot breathe right (have not taken a full breath in for so long I forgot how), cannot walk without assistance, and slowly I know I am dying and can do nothing to stop it, I have prayed over and over for relief, maybe even to take me home now, then those crazy thoughts have come into my head – how worthless I really am, how I worked so hard all my life to succeed in goals I set for myself only to fail, to not be a productive person in society. I have fallen so far into depression – I have no idea how to get out! I do not think I will ever see the light at the end of the tunnel. I found that praying for myself was not doing anything really – but when I pray for others – their needs were met – so that Is why I pray for others (intercessory praying) and that is what I would pray for concerning me – and I still do sometimes!
Today is officially day 4 of Soul Coaching – today is a rough one for me personally… It actually had a lot to do with what I wrote above – all those harsh things I think about myself, I feel about myself…in soul coaching it is recommended to try and turn it around – to make them more positive – instead of continuing a negative conversation with myself and being so hard on myself to turn those statements into something positive or more enlightened….
So instead-I am so depressed turn it into – I am having a slightly down moment
So instead-I am worthless turn it into – I am important and loved
So instead-I am a failure turn it into – I have raised beautiful children, succeeded in my job before retirement and make my hunnie laugh when he least expects it.
I am going to try and turn some of my negative self destructive statements around and try to keep them positive – I seem to fight with my mind the most – my family just looks at me like I am over the edge when I try to explain my fears and self hatred but my mind seems to almost defeat me – if that makes any sense.
For today I can only try!!
This entry is my day 4 of Soul Coaching and day 5 of NABLOPOMO