Before I get to today’s entry – I believe Sweet Jamie left me a question about what would I pray for it if I was praying for me – what would I ask for…I have prayed this many times- to be the person I was before I became so sick. I was not as heavy (steroid meds tend to pile on the pounds), I was not afraid to leave my house, I was so much more sociable, I used to get out and do things, do things around my house, go motorcycle riding with my hunnie, used to A LOT of things. Then I am reminded so easily how much pain I am in, I cannot breathe right (have not taken a full breath in for so long I forgot how), cannot walk without assistance, and slowly I know I am dying and can do nothing to stop it, I have prayed over and over for relief, maybe even to take me home now, then those crazy thoughts have come into my head – how worthless I really am, how I worked so hard all my life to succeed in goals I set for myself only to fail, to not be a productive person in society. I have fallen so far into depression – I have no idea how to get out! I do not think I will ever see the light at the end of the tunnel. I found that praying for myself was not doing anything really – but when I pray for others – their needs were met –  so that Is why I pray for others (intercessory praying) and that is what I would pray for concerning me – and I still do sometimes!

Today is officially day 4 of Soul Coaching – today is a rough one for me personally… It actually had a lot to do with what I wrote above – all those harsh things I think about myself, I feel about myself…in soul coaching it is recommended to try and turn it around – to make them more positive – instead of continuing a negative conversation with myself and being so hard on myself to turn those statements into something positive or more enlightened….

So instead-I am so depressed turn it into – I am having a slightly down moment
So instead-I am worthless turn it into – I am important and loved
So instead-I am a failure turn it into – I have raised beautiful children, succeeded in my job before retirement and make my hunnie laugh when he least expects it.

I am going to try and turn some of my negative self destructive statements around and try to keep them positive – I seem to fight with my mind the most – my family just looks at me like I am over the edge when I try to explain my fears and self hatred but my mind seems to almost defeat me – if that makes any sense.

For today I can only try!!
This entry is my day 4 of Soul Coaching and day 5 of NABLOPOMO


4 responses to “WHERE AM I NOW IN LIFE

  1. It’s interesting that you chose that visual for your post, because as I was reading it, one thought kept repeating itself…

    Ellie, you are an angel.

    You are a powerful, beautiful, worthy angel. You inspire me. You glow. You shimmer. You are wonderful! 🙂

  2. Ellie, thank you for sharing your prayers. I’ll add my voice to your wishes for yourself. Thank you for sharing your tender, honest self. You are important. You are loved.

  3. Oh Ellie, I am so sorry for your health issues and how they have damaged your spirit. Even though we have broken bodies, our spirits can heal. They can. We will. I hope you are praying for yourself, surrounding yourself with light and making you stronger each day. You deserve this! We deserve happiness and to banish darkness and depression. We’re the only ones who can do it. We are our own heroes.

  4. I echo Suzie words too, Ellie. Don’t give up on praying for yourself because you are very special and worth it. Just so you know, I have added you to my prayer list and I will also be praying for you each night. May each day be a positive step, big or small, towards your healing. (((Hugs)))

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