JUST FEELING DOWN

Have not had much energy lately to do much writing…especially in my blogs…I have kept up with my art blog (FINDING MYSELF) because it is a promise/committment I made to myself to do this year. I guess I have been feeling sorry for myself lately because I am tired of being sick and tired…
Let me backtrack for a minute here – In 2000 I had gotten sick (lung infections, pneumonia and all that fun stuff) for the umpteenth time…well in august it would be the last time I would work. I was diagnosed with COPD – my lungs are permanently damaged by black mold…yes my workplace had black mold seeping through the ceiling and walls and no matter how much I complained NOTHING WAS DONE!!
To make a very very LONG story short…through doctors and the court – I was claimed permanently and totally disabled…my life changed forever and I won a  Workman’s Comp lawsuit against the state. The state has to pay me my salary with a 3.5% raise every year until my retirement age of 65. The state fought against it for two years when I first got sick…they blamed me for everything – that fight lasted two years (in the meantime – my house went into foreclosure – we had to claim bankruptcy and many other problems arose) and in the end – the day of the trial – the state had NOTHING…no argument – no fight – they just tried to delay things for as long as possible and made me go to dozens and dozens of doctors (all their choice – all paid by them) to prove me wrong – to get me to stop the lawsuit…the problem is all of their doctors agreed with me – they all found the same thing – I was dying from black mold poisoning…my lungs would never get better…and the state was totally at fault. They had private investigators following me for 6 of those months – they only thing they got on tape was me walking with a cane VERY SLOWLY (because the drugs have eaten away at the calcium in my bones and now I fall very easily) and using oxygen (as prescribed by my doctor and theirs)…the tapes went against them…usually in this state – it takes 2-4 weeks for a judge to make a decision in W/C cases – this particular judge was so furious at the state – he made his decision right then and there – the state LOST BIG TIME…they were also fined because of certain “techniques” and such –
Yes I am thrilled I won – but at what cost….my life will never be the same – my life has been shortened – I have been severely depressed and extremely agoraphobic because I truly fear that people out there are taping me or looking to get me on something – so it is best I just stay inside my house.

I guess I am telling you all this to let you know where my head is at – to let myself know where I have been and where I am now!

So for the past two days my chest has been in pain (not my heart – my lungs) and I have been fighting headaches…so it is wearing me down as usual. So I tend to become even more introverted and I keep to myself until whatever it is goes away…sometimes the pain goes away fast – sometimes it stays for weeks and weeks…so that is where I am at today…just tired of fighting…of feeling sorry for myself…of wondering what will happen next to me. GEEZ – this is just getting old! Thanks for reading (if you are still here) – thanks for listening….

The daughter has had exams all week – today she has a half day of school and then is off until next tuesday – so it will be nice to have her home for a long weekend – maybe her and I can get creative. I have just been sleeping for about 4 days now – that is what happens when my body is fighting something…

Well I will leave you with this beautiful graphic I have come upon…and I hope you have a beautiful week and weekend!!!

Until Next Time – PEACE!!!

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One response to “JUST FEELING DOWN

  1. Oh, Ellie a huge hug your way. I sure hope your pain goes away really soon this time again. Don’t forget I’m thinking on you! Lot’s of cheer up greetings your way, smiles Anke 😉

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