The photo above was taken the day the babies were released from the hospital..
we think Joshua (on the right) was asking Crystalyn – “hey what are they doing?” And Crystalyn said “Oh don’t worry – grown ups are just taking our pictures again.”
I wish I had better photos to share with all of you…unfortunately the ones I am showing you are the ONLY ones I have…as a side note…when I was moving from separating from my first husband…my belongings were still at his place which caught on fire and everything I ever owned was in it including anything I had of Joshua…the few photos I am showing you come from pictures that my parents just happen to have. (not many)
I want to THANK YOU for your warm kind comments…they have all touched my heart beyond what I could ever describe here – I thought for a very long time that I was handling things…but I think A LOT of the depression that I have been fighting has something to do with losing Joshua. I feel VERY RESPONSIBLE for his death…No I did not hurt him….but parents who lose a child to SIDS always carry the burden of thinking they did something wrong or could have prevented it all somehow. It is very difficult to get past that. Whatever you may read about SIDS…do not fool yourself into thinking that putting a baby on his stomach or its back will prevent it..I know way too many parents that were holding their babies and the baby just died in their arms due to SIDS…it is something about the brain NOT sending the messages to the heart and lungs to beat and breathe…there is no cure…and so much research still has to be done…and 17 years later after losing Joshua – they are NO CLOSER to finding any answers.
I am blessed in many ways – though you may think it is crazy – but Joshua did so many things before passing on….He touched a horse ( a home visiting nurse took him outside and he got to touch our horse and watch it run) – he danced…a friend of mine and I put on some great music in the daycare (that I was running at the time) and we picked up the babies, and danced all over with them…Joshua just laughed and laughed..it was hysterical.
The day we brought Joshua home – I remember sitting his baby seat down and he just started laughing (it sounded like the cheetah cartoon character from the fritos commercial)…it was so funny..so we called him cheesy from that day forward. My ex said it was the angels talking to him (hmmm – maybe). When you would hold him – he clung to you like he was hugging…it was so wonderful to feel him do that…I have never felt a baby do it like he did…I used to have this beautiful dog named Cleo (german short-haired pointer) who took to the babies immediately – became their personal body guards…and when I brought them home – Cleo laid her head across Joshua’s lap and he stopped fussing…she became his protector – it really was amazing.
When the twins came home – they weighed over 4 pounds…BUT NOTHING FIT THEM…they were toooo small. We had to order these special preemie diapers from the pampers company – the diapers were so small they could fit inside a wallet (were your dollar bills go)…it was wild..yet they were big on my babies. So we had to go shopping at a toy store and buy premie cabbage patch clothes to fit them until they could gain some weight.
In the state of Florida – You had to go through these “tests” to see if you can take care of your preemie babies once the hospital released them. You also had to attend special classes to learn to think preemie. (I kid you not) So they had to see you bathe your baby and feed them and change their diapers, and give them medicine and change/fix/set up their heart monitors – and breathing machines, dress and undress them, wrap them in blankets, how you hold them, how you walk with them, how you pick them up and set them down, how you put them in a car seat and take them out and on and on.
I remember when I had to bathe the babies – they were so small we had to use 4×4 gauze pads for a wash cloth that were softened by baby soap and warm…because their bodies were so small – washcloths were too big and bulky …so differently then having a baby that goes full term.
Well that is my entry today about Joshua…it kind of wipes me out so I will continue later…I am not upset – just thinking back to all these times brings back a flood of memories that I have not thought of in a long time!!!
Thanks for reading this far…I appreciate the caring and compassion you all have shown me…truly – from the bottom of my heart – THANK YOU!